From refugee to refuge

     Let's first begin by defining some terms together in order to be certain we're all on the same page.  According to dictionary.com, refuge is "shelter or protection from danger, trouble, etc.".  It defines refugee as, "a person who has fled from some danger or problem, esp political persecution".  My idea for this blog is discovering how to go from being a refugee to finding refuge.  When I think of the term refugee, I think of one who is running for his/her life in that moment of definition.  I think of someone who is in danger, one who is struggling, one who is anxious.  Once the person has found refuge, they would probably no longer use that term as their identifier (in my mind).  I constantly feel like a refugee in life.  I feel like I am running from one thing and toward another, and as hard as I try and pray, I can't seem to break the cycle.  I'm tired of feeling as if I have my whole world shoved in a pack and strapped to my back.  I'm tired of feeling like a failure when I know I'm not, not yet anyway.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm not doing something well, or that I'm not good enough.  Mostly, I'm tired of feeling tired.  I know I complain about this a lot, but stay with me, I promise there is something relatable for most people in here...
     Satan knows how to get to me in life.  He starts giving me thoughts that start out simple and true but then turn into something ugly and evil.  I constantly have thoughts like: "I'm frustrated at home because I'm tired of staying behind on things that need to be done."  It's a true thought.  There is nothing at all wrong with feeling frustrated over being behind on laundry, struggling to keep your kitchen clean (relatively at least), or forgetting to pay a bill on time.  However, my thought, after a while, becomes: "I'm a failure as a person because I can't even keep up with laundry, my kitchen is disgusting, and I can't even manage finances. I GIVE UP!"  Do you see how a simple, true thought has led me to a place of hopelessness?  IT'S LAUNDRY!! WHO CARES?!?!  We all know the answer to that, me.  In your case, you.  We do care.  We have to care actually, because laundry does eventually have to be done.  The danger and evil are in the progression from frustration to hopelessness.  Here's another one.  I begin with the thought:"I'm frustrated at work, because I can't stay caught up with my work, and I don't feel like I even know my co-workers anymore."  In a few weeks the thought becomes, "I hate my job because I am a failure at it, and there's no way I could ever do any better than I am now because I don't have any more of myself to give."  The first thought is simple and true.  The second thought is not.  It is destructive; it is hopeless.  I'm tired of taking those thoughts, piled up with more thoughts which are related to things as simple as menuing, grocery shopping, or making dinner, to things as important as, health, weight, and relationships, and having to run as far and fast as I can in what I assume to be the right direction.  Where then, is my refuge?
     I know that literally God is my refuge, but how do I find my way to His place of comfort?  We all know, thanks to Science class, that it takes more energy to begin motion than to keep something in motion.  My problem is that I feel the need to literally stay in motion.  Have you ever said something like: "I better do it now, because once I sit down, I won't get back up"?  I do.  That means that I run in from work, immediately begin cooking dinner while trying to play with and hold my kids, feed them as soon as it's ready, hurry and clean the kitchen, work on whatever other thing is absolutely necessary for the day, and then collapse around the time my kids go to bed.  What part of the day was enjoyed? None of it.  Sad, huh? It's amazing that the days I accomplish the most, are sometimes the most miserable.  I take this as proof that my joy is being stolen by my obligations.  My God and my family are what is most important to me, but those are the places where my life suffers.  
     Dean and I are constantly saying that we don't want our kids to get the worst of us.  We want to give them the best of who we are, and we want to give each other the best of ourselves as well.  It's hard though, because we use ourselves up before we get a chance to really even be together.  My relationship with God suffers because my quiet time either doesn't happen or becomes a complaint session on my part.  I pray a great deal, without ceasing so to speak, but I'm pretty sure my prayers are starting to sound like directions given from a waitress to a short order cook.  "I need an order of peace with a side of patience and kindness!  Don't forget to go heavy on the blessings, please! Oh, and you didn't forget about the hope I'll need later!"  Forgive me, Lord...Or maybe I sound more like a sick patient in with the doctor, "You see, I need help with this pesky little ache of stress, and then I need you to fix the heartache from missing my kids, and then I need you to take a look at making me happier, and if you could, maybe you could soothe this little frustration over here, and then.........." God help me remember who You are.   
     I've always spoken very openly to God, I mean He does know everything anyway.  As a child, I basically adopted the idea that God is who I am constantly addressing in my every thought.  Rather than ping ponging thoughts around with myself, I feel that God is who I am really wanting feedback from, so I constantly talk to Him.  It has made me good at prayer.  The problem is that I still need to set aside prayer time.  Talking to Him all day has, in some ways, hurt the way I talk to Him.  I need prayer time where I am still and quiet, waiting for a word.  It's great to pray constantly, but I need to remember that I can't always be the one doing all the talking.  God knows my heart.  He knows that I am sincere in my prayers, and He knows that I acknowledge Him as the creator of the universe.  I am the slave, and He is my master.  I mean no disrespect in my prayers that come out sounding demanding or whiny, but I still don't want that to be my instinct.  I want to go from feeling like a refugee, to resting in my refuge.  I just haven't gotten there yet.  
     I am determined to take action in this situation.  I need to change several habits in myself in order to do so.  I need to work on my prayer life, enjoying my children and husband, and trying to find balance in necessities.  My first goal is to change my prayer habits.  Every time I catch myself saying one of those split second "God, please help me" prayers, I will add to it a praise and acknowledgment of His greatness.  I will make sure that at some point each day I seek God's will for me.  Step one starts this week.  I will let you know how it goes, and I sincerely hope that if you are in the same situation I am, you will try this with me.  Here's my prayer for week 1 of going from refugee to refuge:
"Lord, You are so awesome.  You are why I am alive, and God, You are what I live for.  Help me to remember that You are my reason for living as I go through this life.  I want my every thought to be pleasing to You God.  I was not put here to live a life of stress and anxiety but to bring glory to You, and while I know that this imperfect world is full of those things, I also know that in You, I can find peace.  I am so sorry for becoming the mess I am.  I beg your forgiveness, and I praise You for Your love and blessings.  Please guide me on this journey to Your refuge, God.  I seek Your face.  Bless my friends who need this journey as well.  We await Your guiding touch, and we praise You no matter the outcome.  We want to be the women You created us to be, and we will start now.  We bless the Creator of the universe. We praise You, we praise You, we praise You.  Amen"
 

Mother of the year....NOT!

     So I found myself in this situation a few weeks ago where I was driving down the road after literally running out of my work place (don't worry, I got my class covered), telling myself not to cry, get upset, or even show any sign of stress.  I had somehow forgotten to get Princess picked up from school.  Luckily, the sweet ladies at preschool were taking good care of her by having her just keep on going into the afternoon program like nothing was wrong.  I was devastated.  Princess seemed fine, but she asked several times that day why she had to stay late.  This is when it is hard to be a working mom when you're shuffling everyone between so many people that something gets forgotten.  My mom normally picks Princess up on that day, but she was on vacation and somehow I had forgotten.  It's an honest mistake, but what if Princess hadn't been in a school that offers such a wonderful environment?  To make things worse, it happened again the next week.  Luckily, my father-in-law called to check, which prompted my babysitter to call SIL, who then went and got her.  It worked out, but the fact still remains that I forgot to have it taken care of, which bothers me.  I feel like I am absolutely doing the best I can with the juggling act I have in life, but there are still some major moments of failure, and I honestly don't know how to do any better than I am doing now.  I go through times when I say I'm going to quit my job and stay home so that I don't have to worry about the hectic schedule I have, but then we'd have to give up private preschool, my health insurance, my retirement, and basically all unnecessary things in life...HMMM..nah!  I could hire someone fulltime to keep my twins everyday and pay (at the very least) $600 every four weeks....*Cough* Not an option....I have a calendar that I fill out to help, but there are always little added things and changes that I just can't adjust for most weeks.  It's a stressful, seemingly hopeless cause which makes me feel like a failure. 
  AND THEN I REMEMBER as a 9 year old girl getting left at the church by my parents who had driven separate cars, not once, but twice.  I remember my dad's secretary having to come to the school 15 minutes after it ended to pick me up once.  These aren't important memories, they are just things that happened.  The schedule got hectic, an appointment ran late, I got lost in the shuffle.  I didn't feel any less loved.  I didn't feel distressed by the evidently hectic lifestyle my parents were leading.  In fact, until just this moment, I assumed that my life now is more chaotic than my mother's was at my age.  How selfish is that?  I believe myself to be an exception in my chaos when in reality I am simply an average mother.  Is it right? Does this make it okay?  Has our society done this at harm to us?  I don't know the answer to these questions.  One thing I do know is that no matter what the situation, motherhood is hard.  It is hectic, stressful, and sometimes frustrating, but man is it worth it! 
     I love being a mother.  I am so proud of my children who are so special as little individuals.  I look at them and constantly see all the good in the world.  Maybe I do fail sometimes, but they all know at the end of the day that mommy loves them so much.  For them, that's enough.  So, I'll pick myself up, brush off the dust of guilt, lean on Jesus, and walk on forward in this journey...and all the while, I'll still be learning to love the chaos.