Friday, November 29, 2013

Keeping Mommy healthy

             

"Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." 1 Corinthians 6:19-20


     I know that I'm probably the least consistent blogger of all time, and I love you for staying with me.  In all honesty, I always think of and miss my blog when I'm not actively working on it.  However, my blog seems like a little joy that is easily stolen.  Dinner must be made, laundry must be done, but my newest post?  Well, that can wait.  And it does so much more often than it should.  I blogged almost a year ago about going through a spiritual storm.  That storm ebbed and flowed for a long time.  It started before I posted about it, and it continued to be a bit of a struggle afterwards.  I was suffering from chronic fatigue and headaches, and those physical struggles caused me some spiritual setbacks.  When I would go to my doctors, they would try their best to treat me, and they would sympathize with my symptoms, but nothing seemed to offer any relief.  Eventually, I just gave up and took the medications that would treat the symptoms.  They continued. 

     I love that modern medicine can do so much for us.  However, I think sometimes we as patients limit the medical field.  When I would go to the doctor, it would be when I had finally gotten so tired, and then sick from lowered immunity, that I was treated for something that was an effect of the problem.  A few months ago, I found myself at my wits end.  I had made life changes such as transferring to a teaching position where I would be under less stress, I had worked on my spiritual growth, and I was not "sweating the small things" (as much).  It seemed to help a little, but I was still having far too many migraines, and I was absolutely exhausted all of the time.  One weekend, I was so tired, I barely got off of the couch.  My husband was afraid of what was wrong.  Something had to change.

   I decided to explore new options.  After struggling over a year, I went to a woman's health specialist.  My mother highly recommended a doctor not too far out of town, and honestly, I wanted to go to a doctor who had never met me.  It's hard for me to convince anyone who knows what my life is like that I'm more exhausted than I should be.  I work full time, I have three "lively" children, and I do extra things on the side; my life is busy.  Here's the thing though, I knew I was feeling worse than I should. For an entire YEAR of my life, I allowed people around me, including family, friends, nurses, and doctors (all who I know meant well), to tell me that I felt the way anyone who lived my life should feel.  I sort of wanted them to tell me nothing was wrong, because part of me knew something was wrong, and I was secretly afraid of knowing what was ailing me.  It doesn't make sense that I didn't seek help sooner now, because I got to a point where I realized that I was missing out on actually living the experiences of my life, because I was just surviving them.  What kind of living is that?  Didn't God mean more for my life than that?  I needed help.  I got it.

     I went to one visit with my new doctor afraid that he would see me as a wimp, because I had convinced myself that this is what my other doctors and family/friends must think about me.  My biggest fear was him looking at my stats, and saying, "Mrs. Dean, you just have a lot going on, so of course you're tired."  I think I would have broken down right there.  Instead, he looked at my chart, and then asked me very specific questions.  I held my breath when he started to take a guess at my problem, and, to my surprise, he said, "Mrs. Dean, on paper, you look perfect, but if you are feeling badly, something's wrong.  Sometimes people who seem healthy are pushed aside if no disease is found, but I'm not going to give up on finding the issue."  I teared up a little, because it seems I rarely make it through a doctor's visit without crying anyway (which I've mentioned before).   I was so relieved that he was going to use his different tests and methods to find the issue.  A nurse took four vials of blood that day and gave me an appointment for the next week as well as a list of some vitamins to begin that very day. 

*Here's my request ladies:  IF YOU FEEL THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG, PURSUE IT!  No one knows your body like you do.  I could've saved myself a lot of exhaustion if I had gone to this doctor the first time my mother recommended him to me. *

     At my follow up appointment, I was even more nervous than at the first.  What if all of the tests came back normal?  What then?  Would he think I was a hypochondriac?  Would he believe that I was really feeling sick?  Was I just going crazy?  Would I be expected to just deal with the issues?  He pulled out the results.  The first result was good.  I felt relief and disappointment at the same time.  What he was checking were simple vitamin and hormone levels.  If something had to be wrong, those were easy things to fix, right?  I began to feel the tears building.  It didn't take long, however, for him to reveal to me that I was severely deficient in two major vitamins and I also had some hormone deficiencies.  Simple fix with natural vitamins, we hope. 

I've been taking the vitamins for a month now, and while I don't feel like I'm 15 years younger, I do feel better.  My mother and husband both say that there is a noticeable difference.  Why didn't I do something sooner?  Well, I'm the mom.  I don't have time to be sick or feel badly.  I have things to take care of here.  Don't you say the same things yourself?  Please ladies, take care of yourselves.  God tells us to do so, so why do we feel that we should be the health martyrs of our families?

Here's my prayer for us:
"Dear Lord, we thank You for these bodies You have given us.  We may not always feel they are perfect, but God they do so much for our families.  Help us to remember that our bodies are a temple, and how we treat them directly reflects how we care for our gifts from You.  We praise You for strength to push through physical ailments, but we praise You for Your healing hand.  We promise here and now to strive to take care of the temple You have chosen especially for us. We love, praise, and adore You above all. Amen."

Friday, September 13, 2013

Submissive Wife--Part 3

     Here's part three of the Submissive wife series!!  I thought about naming the post something else, since it seems that at least a few people are stumbling upon my blog in search of something else and feel it necessary to "enlighten" me on the error of my beliefs.  However, in a world constantly screaming at us to be "open minded", I think it's time for others to be open minded of my lifestyle.  The last two key elements of my decision to be submissive are:

Being submissive does not mean you do not help with the decision making.
      I'm going to be honest.  If being a submissive wife meant I had no control over anything that happened in my life or the lives of my children, it would be a much harder lifestyle to accomplish.  As I have said before, being a submissive wife doesn't mean you are someone's personal doormat or slave.  Dean has always been the kind of man who is very thoughtful about making decisions.  Even before we were married, he would seek my opinions and advice about big decisions.  Therefore, when we got married, we were used to confiding in the other about insecurities with certain decisions.  It wasn't perfectly seamless; I was used to being on the go constantly and spending money however I chose before we were married.  In turn, he didn't always consult me on decisions with his farm business.  These were hard lessons learned to a newlywed couple.  I had to be more conscious of his feelings if I had my whole weekend booked up with activities that didn't invole him. Honestly, going from a college student who only needed spending money to an adult with bills to pay caused the money spending issue to solve itself rather quickly.  I still try to take his feelings into account when making big purchases, and he does the same for me.  In turn, Dean has continually integrated me into the farm business.  I know I may not seem like the farming business type, but it's very interesting, challenging, and takes such dedication, that I can't help but love being on the "team" when it comes to our family farm.  I feel myself to be a very important aspect of Dean's decision making process, and he feels the same about being an important part of mine.  I felt like we had finally made it to this point when I realized that each time I made a decision (even a little one), I thought about the effect it would have on him.
     If you find yourself in a relationship where your husband does not take your feelings into account when making decisions or he does not involve you in the decision making process, hang in there.  One way to encourage this progress is to simply talk to him about the issue.  Ensure him that you want to be a part of the process even though you support him no matter what, and if he makes a decision that hurts your feelings, tell him in a LOVING way.  Also, as with anything in life, be the example.  Go to him and ask him how he feels about the decisions you make, even those dealing with your job.  Express to him that you are concerned with his feelings with every decision you make from which movie you rent to buying unnecessary make up.  These examples may be extreme, but if you want him to think of you each time he makes a decision, you must think of him when you make your decisions.  You'd be surprised at how touched someone can be when they realize you bought their favorite cereal without them even asking.

Being a submissive wife will make your husband a stronger, more confident man.
     I think the most important job of a wife is to build her husband up.  Women and men are astronomically different, but one thing we both crave is to be encouraged, complimented, and supported no matter what.  My husband is a very confident man on many levels; however, sometimes the pressure of running a family business, and even a family, can make him second guess himself.  We all understand that on some level.  No one wants to fail.  Everyone wants to be wonderfully successful in life, and being in charge of the success of others can be burdensome.  I have learned as a wife to always express my support and how proud I am of my husband.  I always thought he knew how proud I am of him, but during our marriage, I have learned that I have to constantly reinforce the way I feel about being on "his side".  I'm his biggest fan, and I make sure I tell him often.  If he makes a difficult decision, and I know he is worried about it, I make sure I tell him that I am behind him no matter what, even if his idea fails.  It is important to him, and when he has to make those hard decisions, it makes him stronger in what he chooses when he feels that I am behind him. There are times when he must face others who question the decisions and express concern.  He doesn't back down when he knows I support him.  He is stronger because of the fact.  I love that his love for me is so strong that he trusts me as his top support.  He may be the president of this life we live, but rather than the first lady, he makes sure I feel like the second in command.  When a man feels that he has the world on his shoulders, it helps to know there is someone there to help him balance it.

Here's my prayer for the last post in the submissive wife series of my blog:
"Dear Father, we adore You.  Thank You God for being bigger and stronger than we ever could hope to be.  We pray Your blessings on our precious husbands.  We ask that You give us the strength and wisdom to protect our family units by being the wives You have called us to be.  We give You all the praise for every lesson learned and every success achieved.  You, Lord, are our first love, and we thank You for giving us a relationship that strengthens our understanding of love.  Thank You, God, for these ladies who encourage me.  Bless them, please."

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Submissive Wife--Part 2

Okay ladies, I know it wasn't supposed to take so long to get the part 2 post out, but I have been trying to evaluate myself as a wife and be the submissive wife I feel I should be before I go trying to encourage anyone else to do the same.  However, I feel like now is the time to look into some of the things that hold us back from being the submissive wives we should be and some of the things that can make submission easier....

1.    Being a submissive wife is easier to a Godly husband.

   I know this sounds obvious, but look at the statement closely.  Many Christian women who are looking for a husband say that they want a “Godly man;” however, what they mean is they want a man who is a proclaimed Christian.  A godly man is one who isn’t just saved but he is also a man who seeks God in every aspect of his life.  He is a man who understands the family unit and the parallel it holds to the relationship between Christ and the church.  He knows that taking a wife means he is responsible for her safety, well-being, and the spiritual state of the entire family.  Why then, do so many Christian women settle for a man who is not godly?  I think the biggest reason is due to our natural instinct to connect ourselves to a mate.  I’ve seen so many young ladies get to the point in life when they just want to be settled, so they begin to panic over finding a mate.  They end up settling alright, but sometimes it’s for someone who is less than she deserves.  I know there are some thinking, “Geez, Rae, it’s not that easy to find a man who is compatible to me, lives where I want him to, does what I think is the right kind of occupation, AND is Godly…”  I’m being facetious, but think hard about what our criteria for the “perfect man” tends to be.  When did being Godly become less than the first priority for choosing a spouse?  When did we stop teaching our daughters that the most attractive trait a person can have is to love Jesus? Shame on us!  We want our children to choose someone who “is a hard worker”, “makes you happy”, and who “makes you feel loved.”  I’m not saying those are bad traits, but if a person is Godly and truly seeks to live a life pleasing to God, don’t you think those other traits will fall into place?  I’m lucky.  While Dean was not as focused on his walk with Christ when we met as he is now, I always knew that God was important in his life in a very real way.  He could say the same about me.  Therefore, if you are in the situation that you and/or your significant other aren't in the right place spiritually, get moving (closer to God, that is).
    Now we must deal with the issue of what to do if you are already in a marriage with an ungodly man.  If possible, submit.  Proverbs 31:10 says, “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.”  Even a man outside of the will of God can appreciate a wife with “noble character”.  Now, I know there are circumstances in which a Godly woman has to choose to either submit to God or her ungodly husband.  I sincerely hope none of you are in that situation, but if so, I think you already know the right choice to make.  I’m no marriage counselor, so please don’t try to read into this for an excuse to stay in or get out of a relationship with an unsaved person.  That, my friend, is between you and God.  Feel free to email me though, and I will offer all the support I can give.


2.    Being submissive doesn't make you weak, but shows that you are strong.

     So many women today hate the mention of submission because they feel it is a term that signifies weakness.  I completely disagree.  Of all of the married women I know, those who are/ were submissive in their relationships with their husbands are by far the strongest women.  My mother, who is the strongest woman I know in my adult life, has worked hard to be a submissive wife.  I asked her after my first post how easy it was for her to become a submissive wife.  She and my father were not living for Christ when they got married, and I suppose I thought she would say that when they recommitted to Christ, it was easy.  She didn’t.  My mom, who is rebellious by nature (though she didn’t say that herself), said, “it’s still not easy 34 years in.”  That was NOT the answer I wanted.  I started thinking then about why she is such a great example of wifely submission in my life if it isn’t something that comes naturally to her.  Then it hit me; she is a great example of submission because of the fact that it isn’t easy and she does it anyway.  My mother has followed my dad all over the southern states, and honestly, she didn’t always want to do so.  Why did she?  My father told her that he felt God moving them to a particular job/place, so she went.  Wow, right?  I can’t imagine leaving behind my entire family like she did and just moving 600 miles to a place where we knew no one and had no connections.  That, ladies, takes strength.  Did she complain?  Yes. Did she cry?  Absolutely.  Did she mourn for the things and people she had to leave behind?  Of course!  However, she followed her husband, because she knew that is what God wanted of her, submission.

3.    Being submissive is a healthy example for your children.

     I truly believe that one problem with the family unit today is that children to often see their parents in a struggle for control.  They don’t know who the leader of the family is, so they see marriage as a battle of wills.  This gives them an unhealthy vision of marriage.  Rather than two people who uplift and support one another, they see two people trying to win a game of tug of war.  It teaches them to either not want to be married, or it makes them think that in order to be married, you have to constantly fight for control.  My five year old daughter is old enough to understand the idea of someone being the “boss”.  When she asked one day about who the boss is at our house, I sat her down and explained it.  I told her that I was the boss of them, daddy was the boss of all of us, and God was the boss of everyone.  She loved the idea of daddy being my “boss”, and while that term may hold negative connotations to some, I felt it was a good time to let her see that I don’t mind letting daddy make decisions because I know he will do what is best for all of us.  I also let her know that if someone is a “boss” over someone else, it is actually a hard job.  Being a boss is a big responsibility.  When daddy makes a decision, he has to be sure it is what God wants so that the outcome is a good one.  Now, I want to also add that if I make a decision at home when Dean isn’t there, he is always sure to back me up.  If I tell Princess that she can’t have ice cream because she didn’t eat dinner, he stands behind me.  If I tell her that she must go to bed earlier because she was naughty, he supports the decision.  It didn’t take her long to understand that trying to work us against one another would not end with her getting her way.  Do I make decisions in our household? Every day.  Dean works longer hours than I do, so I have to make decisions constantly.  I DO NOT make any decisions that are life-changing, finance changing, or will have big, long term effects on any of us without asking him first.  He, in return, does the same for me out of respect.  Neither of us would ever want to do something like buy a piece of land without consulting the other first.  I wouldn’t want to make my husband feel undermined in his place as our caretaker, and my husband doesn’t want to make me believe that my feelings are unimportant to him.  Therefore, we have always made those decisions together, and often, we consult someone outside who we trust to give us good advice before making those big decisions.  By working this way, we hope to show our children that being a submissive wife doesn’t make me unimportant, and being the head of the family doesn’t mean daddy doesn’t need or want mommy’s help and advice.

I have a part 3 post that will cover the other two sections of my reasons for being a submissive wife.  I would love for you all to share your own feelings and experiences of wifely submission.  Here's my prayer for us who are on this journey together towards Godly submission:

"Dear Father, help us to be consciously submissive in our marriages.  Please touch our husbands and bless them as the head of his home.  Let us be wonderful examples of Christians and wives to our children.  Please lead us towards Your will for us always.  Most of all, Lord, help us stay committed to being submissive wives even when it isn't easy.  We praise You, love You, and worship You only. Amen"

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Why I am a submissive wife.

     It seems that submission is a dirty word to us today.  It is an even dirtier concept for marriage in our society.  However, I am a rebel to society in this case.  I feel that my willingness and ability to be a submissive wife is a key to maintaining a Godly marriage.  Please know that I am not here to upset anyone, and I don't want to debate.  However, I do feel that we hear a great deal from women who do not believe in submission to their husbands and very little from the other side.  So, here I am, unqualified as I may be.  Keep an open mind.
     I think the world hears the phrase "submissive wife" and pictures a June Cleaver type lady but one who is brow beaten, talked down to, and mistreated by her husband; or maybe one who lacks confidence, courage, or intelligence; or possibly a weak woman who simply can't stand up for herself.  I don't buy into this stereotype.  Do these ladies exist?  Yes, and I pray for them, their husbands, and their children.  However, I don't believe they are the portrait of submission that the Bible paints.  In return, we often think of men who believe in wifely submission and think of egotistical bigots who want a woman they can walk all over.  Do these men exist? Yes, and I pray for them, their wives, and their children.  The Bible tells us that a wife should submit to her husband, and that is enough reason for it to be a goal of mine. 
     Dean and I didn't really discuss this particular idea before getting married.  I don't know why, but for some reason it didn't seem necessary.  I grew up in a family where the husband was a natural, strong leader, and where the wife was a natural supporter.  This idea was instilled in me, but I can see where it could be a struggle for a woman who did not experience how well the pairing could work.  I think there are a few things we need to keep in mind when deciding to be submissive wives:

1. Being a submissive wife is easier to a Godly husband.
2. Being submissive doesn't make you weak, but shows that you are strong.
3. Being submissive is a healthy example for your children.
4.  Being submissive does not mean you do not help with the decision making.
5. Being a submissive wife will make your husband a stronger, more confident man.

     I can't possibly talk about all of these points in this one post, so I will have several posts about this topic.  I promise that I will post as quickly as I can about these ideas as I seek out wisdom and scripture to express myself.  I know that I am a lucky woman.  I rarely "feel" that I am submitting to my husband.  Dean is a wonderful man to be aware of his leadership in our family while making sure our children see that Mommy is a very important part of our success(es) as a group.  As we start on this journey together, those of you willing to follow along, I want us all to get in the Bible about the idea.  The two most obvious scriptures that come to my mind are:

Ephesians 5:22 which says, "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord."
 and
Colossians 3:10 which says, "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord."

I want this to be our diving board.  Don't just look at these verses, but go to your Bible or online and read the whole chapters.  See what is going on, get a feel for the setting, and then digest it with prayer.  These scriptures offer up large orders.  Submitting my being to God isn't even that easy, and He is perfect.  Now I am asked to put myself completely in the hands of a mere mortal to the same extent as I do with my Savior?  AND He sees that as glorious to Him?  Wow.  Here we go ladies.  Let's start off this Saga with prayer for ourselves AND our husbands/future husbands.

"Heavenly Father, give me wisdom.  I feel so unworthy of even dealing with this issue, but I know it is what you want me to do.  Help me to gain the knowledge I need on this journey.  Help my sisters who choose to live this way.  Give them courage, strength, and your blessings.  Help our precious husbands as well.  Make them men who are worthy leaders, Godly leaders, and sensitive leaders.  Help our sisters who believe that submission is a negative trait.  We praise You, God."

Please know that I understand some readers will get upset about this series of posts.  I also understand that these posts could lose some readers/followers for the blog.  I know without a doubt there are people who will scoff, laugh, and shake their heads.  It's okay.  I am a pretty secure woman.  I welcome comments from anyone, but I will not let this turn into an angry or hateful debate of any kind, so I will only allow respectful comments to be made public.  I am writing this feeling like part of a minority trying to give voice to women who choose to be submissive in their marriages.  I believe that there are more of us out there than most people would like to believe.  I am fighting a cultural agenda that began before my time, while I refuse to buy into society's lies that tell me I am ignorant if I let a man have any kind of power over me.  There is freedom in submission to God; therefore, there is freedom in marital submission.

 Wish me luck.  Better yet, pray for me.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Kitchen Dances

     Dean and I live pretty high stress lives at times.  In reality, I don't know many people who don't.  I talk a lot with Dean and my friends about how to destress.  Dean likes to farm, AThack likes to run, Sissy cleans, my dad gets out in nature/plays golf/goes hunting/etc (his long list makes me think he either feels tons of stress or none at all, I can't decide), and I like to go to my local park and walk the trail.  These are all things we do just to escape the stress that gets us down from time to time.  Life is stressful, period.  I hate going to the doctor and being asked if I feel stressed, especially since this happens mostly after having a child it seems.  I've taken to the response, "Yes doctor, I do feel stressed.  Most of the adults I know are stressed.  As a matter of fact, I bet a job like yours leaves you tired and stressed as well.  How are you feeling mentally today?"  I'm not trying to be snotty to them since I know they mean well, I'm just saying that our culture, or maybe just life, tends to lead us into stress.  Even Jesus felt stress at times.  Remember Him turning over the tables in the temple, weeping over Lazarus when he saw Mary and Martha crying, or being so burdened that he shed tears of blood before His crucifiction?  Crazy as it sounds, I think stress has it's place in life; it helps us to look forward to the perfect peace of heaven.  I also think it is a logical part of marriage, and what I think our culture lacks is couples who know how to destress together.
     My dad has been in the ministry my whole life, and while it's a blessed calling, it is also one that tends to carry a great deal of stress.  My parents, like any adults, had to deal with individual stress in their lives.  However, they took destressing one step further and dealt with stress as a couple.  This is how they taught me what a good marriage can be.  For as long as I can remember, my parents have dated.  Now, don't get me wrong, they have been happily married since 1978, but they will tell you that a major key to the success of their marital bliss is that they never stopped dating.  The idea is so ingrained in me that I have a hard time believing that there are those couples out there who ever stop dating once they get married.  Marriage is wonderful, AND it is hard.  Parenting is an amazing blessing, AND it is hard.  Being an adult is rewarding, AND it is hard.  We, as married people, need time away from all of the difficulties of life to just be together with our spouse and remember who we are as a couple.  I love my children desperately, I love being with them, I love taking them places, but if I don't get away with my husband by myself at times, then we are no longer a joined force in the family unit, but two individual members of that unit.  I believe that there is comfort in a united front from Mommy and Daddy to everyone in the family.  Proof of this is the pain and struggle of the family unit when there is disunity in the marriage.  I also believe this is one reason why in marriage, God tells us that we become one.  It's not "me" working alone on the family unit; it is "we" working on the family unit.  I'm never working against Dean, I'm always working along side him.  It makes things a lot less lonely and weary when you have someone at your shoulder to lean on when you get tired.
    All that being said, I know it's hard to get away to date sometimes.  It was easy when it was just Princess.  People fought over babysitting her.  Now that we have three, it a much bigger commitment to keep our kids for a date night.  In addition, the fact that we both work full-time keeps our sitters pretty busy, and there are times when we would desperately love to go somewhere, anywhere together and just talk, but there's just no way to make it happen.  We've adapted though, and something we've always done as a simple gesture has become an important moment away in our minds, we dance in the kitchen.  Dean is a wonderful man to be willing to help me clean the house after working (most days two different jobs) all day.  We get the little ones to sleep and double team the mess in our house.  We also turn on some music.  It's not usually romantic music, just songs we like.  Dean is a huge fan of 90s music, so we sometimes find ourselves dancing to Nirvana, Bush, Foo Fighters, or even whatever is on a station of the sort.  We also pull out our old wedding song "Broken Road" by Rascal Flats and dance to that.  We just hug up and slow dance around the kitchen, or living room, or whatever room we happen to be cleaning at the time.  It seems like the kitchen is the room that we usually end up dancing in, so that is what I think of when I imagine us dancing.  It's a moment in his arms when I can block out whatever stress is going on in life and just remember who we are as a couple.  It's a small thing, but aren't the small things in life the ones that stand out in our minds?  If I'm frustrated, feeling that I'm carrying a heavier load than I can handle, feeling tired from motherhood, or even just feeling angry at Dean over whatever married people get angry about, just a small dance around the kitchen helps.  If there isn't any music easily available, we just dance anyway.  We destress for a moment, and then we suit back up, and go back for more of what life has to offer.

     Maybe this post is a strange one for you, but I have a feeling that someone out there needed to see this, and if you are a wife or one day may be, then here's my prayer for you:
 
"Dear God, thank You so much for creating the marriage relationship.  Thank You for sending me a wonderful man to love and honor in this life.  Thank You for working in him and drawing him to You.  Help me to be the wife I should be, and help me to love my husband as I should.  Please help my sisters in Christ out there as they deal with the stress of life.  Help them to draw closer to their husbands and to You.  Lord, please give them moments of peace in marriage, and God, if any of my sisters are in a relationship with a husband who doesn't know you, help them be the light leading to You, God.  Touch our husband's lives; bless them, Lord.  Show them your favor.  We praise You, we praise You, we praise You.  Amen."


I'm including this picture, which is actually way more glamorous than our usual dances.  We were dressed up to chaperone a prom here, and I had a photographer (aka my mom) at hand.  I knew I wanted to deal with this in a post soon, so I asked her to snap a picture of us dancing.  Usually, I'm in sweats, a t-shirt, and my bare feet so I'm standing on my toes.  Sometimes, there are little ones at our knees dancing along or crying to be picked up.  It doesn't normally look this glamorous, but it always feels just as special.
    

Monday, April 15, 2013

Be the Peace

     I had the strangest nightmare the other morning, and I've been quietly turning it over in my mind ever since in an attempt to find the spiritual lesson in it.  I'm going to tell you about it, but I'm not going to name a few key people, because I don't want to freak anyone out... You'll see what I mean.

        All at once, I'm standing in the middle of a playground with two small children who are very dear to me.  I'm just letting everything come into focus in my mind when I realize that my dream has no sound.  What's even more odd is that it's a deafening silence, as if someone has hit the mute button, but I can still hear the little buzz of sound trying to come through.  It's an amazingly bright day, and everything seems to have a glare from the sun.  In an instance, I know for a fact that, even though I can't hear it, someone has fired a gun into the crowd, and I turn without thinking and catch one of my little dears as they fall.  I calmly tell the other child to duck down next to me, and I know the little one does so.  I don't know how I know all of these things, I just do.  Here's the crazy thing:  I am not afraid.  Normally in such a dream, my heart would be pounding out of my chest.  It's not.  I absolutely know that my little dear one will be okay, I know that there will be no more gunshots, I know the shooter will get caught.  There is absolute chaos around me.  I realize that the park is in the middle of a wooded area, and everyone is running into the woods.  I wonder to myself why they are so panicked.  I notice that my instincts kicked in because I have my hand over the wound on the little one's side to stop any blood loss.  I know that no organs were hit by the bullet.  The child isn't panicked, but just lays calmly, allowing me to apply pressure.  Both of my little dear ones are calm; we know that help is coming.  We know that if he just stay where we are, if we keep our position, everything will be okay. 

As suddenly as the dream began, I awoke.  I waited for the fear to creep over me.  It is an extremely bothersome dream, I know.  However, I never become afraid.  (It may not seem that bad to you as you read it, but think of a small child you love dearly being present with you during such a dream.  It's horrific to the point that I almost didn't write this post.)  This lack of fear is very unlike me.  I have always hated nightmares.  They plagued me as a child so badly that my sweet mother would write down scriptures and put them in my room, and when we prayed together, I would pray that I would not dream at all.  I hated any dream, because I associated dreaming with fear.  I laid in my bed after I awoke from that dream, waiting for the fear, almost hoping for it since I knew I should be bothered by such a dream.  I walked back through the whole thing in my mind so that I could tell Dean about it.  (He had already gone out to work on the farm, and I was afraid I would forget it before I saw him at lunch.)  All I felt was the same peace that dominated my dream.  I was left feeling calm and wondering: what does that dream mean?
     I immediately felt like the dream must have meant something.  It had to serve a spiritual purpose.  It has been over a week, and this is what I have gathered.  (Maybe I'm looking too closely at this dream, but I couldn't let such a crazy dream go without trying to learn something from it.)  This is a crazy world filled with danger, anger, hate, and chaos.  However, as a child of God, I have the opportunity to be the peace for those around me.  I can be the calm eye in the hurricane of life for my family.  When I think of the Godly women I know, they have one thing in common.  They are the anchor of their family.  They are, in essence, home to their husbands and children.  They are the ones who everyone tells their problems to, the one giving constant, unconditional encouragement, and they emit peace to the family unit.  In the midst of troubled times, even though my mom herself might have been stressed to the max, she brought comfort and peace to the rest of us.  I think that is what God was trying to show me.  Just like in the dream, I can keep a peaceful heart because I know things will be okay, even when danger is present. I can rest peacefully, even when I'm in the middle of surviving this life because I know from where my help comes.  I can have peace, even when the unseen enemy attacks because I know that God will be my vengeance.  I can keep a calm heart, even in the middle of life's nightmares becasue His peace rests within me.  I just have to praise God every time I think about that awful dream. 
     I still don't really understand how such a terrible dream could give me so much peace in my heart, but isn't that the amazing thing about our God?  He can take the most horrible of things and use them for good.  Somebody better be shouting about that out there!!  I know this particular post is a bizarre one, so I'll try to post again this week.  I just wanted to share this lesson with you while it was fresh in my mind.  I wanted to show how peace can be present at unexpected moments in our hearts.  I pray for peace constantly, and I'm so amazed that I found it in the middle of one of the worst nightmares I have ever had.  I don't know how many of you are seeking peace in your lives right now, but I want to share a scripture with you that my mommy wrote on a post it and put on my mirror as a teenager.  It helped me with it's literal meaning, but I hung on to it, and it has helped me during times when my sleep was robbed, not by nightmares, but by other things such as stress, anxiety, depression, anger, or even nerves.  Maybe it will help you too.  I usually end with a prayer, but at my darkest times, I would just read this scripture as my prayer when I couldn't form  words of my own.  If you ever find yourself there, maybe you can do the same.

"I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety."( Psalms 4:8)

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

The Rash of Resentment

     I've decided that nothing rubs you raw quite like resentment.  One of my sweet little angels, Bubby, gets diaper rashes very easily.  To complicate matters, he's allergic to most diaper ointments (you know, only the ones that actually work).  We try our best to prevent diaper rash, as most parents do I suppose, but no matter what we do, he sometimes eats or drinks something that comes out in a toxic way and leaves a rash behind.  I tell you all of this, not so that he'll have a reason to hate me when he's older, but as a comparison in my life.  I don't know if everyone in the world struggles with resentment or if it's just me, but I try my best to just avoid situations or feelings that I know will lead to resentment in my life, because, well, it just rubs me raw.  It leaves me irritated, frustrated, and all around grumpy; I end up much like Bubby when he gets held down for me to rub that poor excuse for an ointment on his little tail...I'm ready to fight for all I'm worth, even if I know I shouldn't.  However, try as I may, there are times when resentment creeps up on me, and I'm learning to read the signs. 
     Spring time should be a happy time, but it's one of the hardest times for me in struggling with resentment.  All around me, I see people exercising, dieting, tanning, and doing other self-help type things to prepare for....well, I don't know what they are preparing for, but I want in on it.  I want to get tan for vacation (which doesn't make much sense really).  I want to lose 15 pounds before that vacation (so I can eat like a pig and gain it back while on said vacay). I want to exercise (kinda).  I know I sound whiny.  (I literally laughed at myself as I typed the last sentence, because a spiritual blogger would have followed the statement up with a "but" phrase that justified the statement, but I've got nothing.)  I just want to be able to work on myself sometimes, but I find myself in this wonderfully blessed life that just doesn't allow for these little privileges anymore.  Every single Spring since having my first child, I have cycled through 1. low-self esteem, 2. anger, and then 3.  resentment.  Dean tries to help me with this issue, but Spring is a pretty big time for him too.  Spring is when his second full time job of farming really kicks back in, and making time for me to go hike the trail at the park just doesn't seem all that important to either of us many days.  That doesn't mean I always make the sacrifice with a joyful heart though.  Then, to make things even better, people say, "Oh, just get you a little exercise video to do at home."  Don't worry fellow mothers, no other female with three small children has been foolish enough to suggest this.  It's not that it's a bad idea, it's just an impossible one.  The only way I would be able to successfully complete an exercise video with my three kids present is if I locked them out of the room, and I'm pretty sure they'd destroy the room that they were gated into just to get back at me (not even taking into account that my five year old can climb any gate we own).  To be honest, I've had to let them completely destroy the living room just to type this blog, and I've had to stop eight different times to scold or rescue my little (ahem) angels.  Then, there's the commentary from my brutally honest five year old from the time I tried exercising with her when the duo was napping..."You don't look like that lady"... "You're belly jiggles"..We won't go further.  Anyway, back on track with resentment.  My ultimate question is, "How do I control this resentment"?
     I've been working on just that.  I can't pay another sitter to come in so that I can workout an hour a day. (Well, I technically could, but I don't feel right doing it right now.)  I can't change my lack of time for myself.  I can't make my daily routine include more "me time". However, I can try to control my resentment.  Now don't roll your eyes, because I hate those, "You can't control the situation, but you can control how you react to the situation" sayings just as much as you, but I honestly have to either succumb to the resentment or move past it.  I looked up some scriptures about resentment, and here's some of what I found:

“The godless in heart harbor resentment"(Job 36:13 )
 "Resentment kills a fool"(Job 5:2)
"And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful."(2 Timothy 2:24)

Well, you didn't expect it to be complimentary did you?  Ouch, though.  It did kind of hurt.  I knew resentment was bad for me, but to be called godless, a fool, and quarrelsome. YIKES!! That is what we English folk refer to as a Shrew in Literature, and my husband might not always disagree as far as it describing me.  So here's the thing ladies:  Being a mom is hard (so is being an adult..or a human for that matter!).  I don't have the awesome body and nice tan that I had but didn't appreciate when I was young.  I don't have time to put together a diet that I can go on but despise now that I'm so busy raising kids.  It's not all about me.  BUT THAT'S OKAY!  Now, I just have to get over that fact, and be happy with the time I do have for myself, the body I'm left with after it has done its child bearing duties.  I have to enjoy every bite of sinful chocolate I sneak from my kids' Easter baskets (finally, an easy one!).  I also have to fight off the devil's attempts at making me resentful.  Careful ladies, he's smart.  He'll stand right by you and whisper in your ear that your husband just doesn't appreciate all you do.  He'll make you look longingly at how tiny that lady is in the Wal-mart line (who, by the way, has never had twins).  He will show you on TV what a woman is "supposed to be".  Don't buy in to the resentment.  It's a lie.  It'll make you a quarrelsome, godless fool.  I don't know exactly what that looks like, but I can guarantee, it's not a happy picture.  Let's end with a prayer for the resentful among us:

"Dear Father, life is hard.  It's not fair.  As women, we sometimes get resentful of our jobs, our places in this society, and frankly, Lord, we get resentful of each other.  And wrongly so.  FORGIVE US WE BEG!  May we always remember who our King is.  In those weak moments when resenment comes creeping in, help us to cling to your promises God.  Help us remember how precious we are to You.  Help us remember how precious our dear little families are that we work so hard to protect.  God our love for You and them is so great, but so overwhelming that our weak human selves just can't handle it sometimes.  Help us to step back, breathe, and put it all in prospective.  We praise You, God, for all that You have given us.  Thank You for the unfairness, Thank You for difficulties, Thank You for peace that passes understanding. Thank You for hope in a hopeless world. We love You, we love You, we love You. Amen."

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Breaking the Silence in my Spiritual Trial

     Hello long lost friends.  First, I want to apologize for being gone so long without so much as an explanation.  My last post promised a journey towards refuge from a weary refugee, and then I basically fell off the face of the social media earth for a while only to pop back up recently.  I wish I could say that my journey is complete and that is was quick, painless, and I am right now resting in my spiritual place of refuge.  However, I can't.
    Side note* Have you ever ulgy cried?  You know what I mean.  The kind of cry where you lose control of all facial features and it's not just letting a tear roll here and there, but you have snot dripping, your face is contorted, and your coloring has gone haywire.  Well, I've done so much of that lately that it's not even funny.  Anytime I refer to crying in this post, you can safely assume I am referring to ugly crying, not movie star crying where one tear drop delicately rolls down my face.  I'm just not that kind of girl...*
   I am still going through one of the toughest trials of my spiritual life.  I wasn't exactly sure what was going on with me spiritually for a long time, but I know now.  I thought at least knowing what God was doing in me would help.  It doesn't.  I thought I had been through spiritual trials before in my life, and I have, but on a different scale.  You see, as we grow spiritually, so do our trials.  It is awesome that God finds us worthy of testing, but don't go glamorizing the process, it hurts.  Dictionary.com defines a trial as, "the act of trying, testing, or putting to the proof.  A tentative or experimental action in order to ascertain results; experiment." This lets us know that a trial does not last forever and the purpose is to get results.  What results will it yield?  Well, that depends on us.  Trials are often a painful part of our spiritual walk, so the bigger the trial, the more painful the moment in life that trial may produce (not always I suppose).  This trial has been a bizarre one for me.
      As I said in my previous post, my one strength in my Christian walk is my ability to communicate with God.  That's about all I had going for me, so I took great pride in that one strength, and you know what the Bible says about pride, it "comes before the fall".  Well, my trial is this.  Not only did I quit hearing from God.  I started feeling as if he didn't hear me.   Now, I know because the Bible tells me so, the God hears my prayers.  However, when it feels as if God doesn't hear you for one day, it's easy to tell yourself that He hears you even if it doesn't feel like it.  When you feel like God doesn't hear you for a week, it's a little harder.  Two months later, you find yourself throwing a hissy fit on God asking Him why He is mad at you, crying like a baby, rolling on the floor like a little kid in the check out at walmart thinking that making a ridiculous display will force the parent's hand.  Anyone else been there?  I was doing the seek and pray thing until I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown, and to be honest, most of the people closest to me were getting pretty worried too.  To make sure He really had my attention, God didn't just stop there with the trial.
     Dean and I also started having strange things happen that would make life stressful financially.  Car trouble, hot water heater breakdown, closing costs on a loan that were triple what we had been told, more car trouble (talk about a rough month).  I wasn't sure we could handle much more bad news.  Then my dad told me he had gotten a promotion...and relocated.  yay (read with sarcasm).  Now they haven't relocated yet, but you all know how much I depend on my mother and the army around me just to survive, so losing her is like cutting off one of my arms.  There were  other little nuances as well that the devil threw in the way just to trip me up, but it always went back to the fact that I just couldn't see what God was doing.  What was He preparing me for?  If I could just see a reason, a point, get a word of encouragement from Him, then I could make it through. 
     I tried to just keep pushing on.  I kept up with my responsibilities at home, work, and church.  Actually, if something extra needed to be done at church, I picked up on it and took over.  There weren't necessarily big things to take, just little things to plan here and there.  Still, nothing, silence.  I thought for sure He would give in eventually and just talk to me.  Finally, I got a chance to talk to JoyMac, one of my friends at work who I always go to for spiritual advice.  I was sitting in her room blubbering on and on about how I was praying and seeking my little heart out and getting nowhere, when finally, she said, "Now don't get mad, but why don't you just stop?  Maybe you just need to quit talking and listen.  Maybe you're looking and looking, and what God wants is for you to let Him lead you."  Ouch.  I don't know about you, but when my friends start out with the phrase "don't get mad", they are about to say something they know I need to hear, but they know I am not going to want to hear.  Thankfully I also have friends who love me enough to say it anyway and who know how to say it in love.  She's right.  I've spent my whole life preparing myself for God to use me, and now that I don't know what to "do" in preparation to be used, I'm at a loss.  That is one thing this trial is all about.  It is in part at least to make me stop working towards a goal of readiness.
     The trial still isn't over, and I'm not sure why.  In the darkest point of this trial, I finally said to God, "I know You're there, I know You love me, and I know You hear my prayers.  I know You're faithful to me, and I will be faithful to You, no matter what."  It was all I could pray for a while.  It was that or nothing, honestly, so I thought that was better than nothing at all.  Somedays, I still put that in there.  Then, somedays, I would have a small breakthrough during that prayer.  Other days, I would be listening to the radio and have a breakthrough in a song.  One day I was singing "How Great Thou Art" in my car and had a break through.  I didn't hear God speaking, but I felt His comfort, and that was enough.  I just needed something, just a little touch to know I hadn't been completely forsaken, just a hand on my shoulder, even for a moment so that I knew I could make it through.  I'm not saying I have gone through this trial gracefully.  I have spent many a Sunday crying so hard the whole church service people have asked me if I'm okay after church.  I have been affected emotionally so much that when my mother asked me what I wanted for Christmas, Princess spoke up and said, "I know! What she wants is to not have a nervous breakdown, Nana."  Out of the mouth of babes, huh?  My poor husbad has prayed with and for me, and I've apologized so many times for dragging him through this trial with me.  Maybe had I been more faithful, I could be on the mountain top looking down on this experience now rather than making my slow climb up still.  But it isn't all bad.  Even in the trial there were blessings and happiness.  I learned new things from myself, I saw new strength in my husband, and I sought new truth in the scriptures. 
     One of my favorite biblical characters, David, encouraged me through my trial.  I've always loved him because even though at one point he was a colossal failure as a person, Christian, and leader, he loved God so unashamedly and he always gave God credit for his redemption.  When I just couldn't take it anymore, I would go to the Psalms and just skim through until I found a first verse that suited me, and then I would read the whole chapter.  David (though he didn't write all of the Psalms, he wrote most of them, and my Bible tells me which ones) would praise God through everything.  Sometimes with a happy heart, sometimes with a broken heart, sometimes for his people, and sometimes for himself.  Amazing.  Here are some beginings I like.  "Have mercy upon me, O God, According to You lovingkindness; According to the multitude of your tender mercies, Blot out my transgressions" (Ps 51:1) "I waited patiently for the Lord; And He inclined to me, And heard my cry." (Ps. 40:1) "I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth" (Ps. 34:1)  I read these and tried to mean them even if I didn't.  I read them and cried, I read them and laughed, I read them and related, and sometimes I read them and felt nothing.  I'm on trial.  I don't know when it will be over, but hiding away won't make it end faster.  For those of you out there going through a trial yourself, here is my prayer for both of us:
"God, help us as we go through trials.  Help us to know that they are not to hurt us, but that they will make us stronger.  God, please help us stay faithful to You no matter what we may face in this life.  God we love You.  I ask that You protect my friends and put up a shield of love around them.  I ask that you cover us with Your comfort.  We praise You, we praise You, we praise You. Amen."