The Rash of Resentment

     I've decided that nothing rubs you raw quite like resentment.  One of my sweet little angels, Bubby, gets diaper rashes very easily.  To complicate matters, he's allergic to most diaper ointments (you know, only the ones that actually work).  We try our best to prevent diaper rash, as most parents do I suppose, but no matter what we do, he sometimes eats or drinks something that comes out in a toxic way and leaves a rash behind.  I tell you all of this, not so that he'll have a reason to hate me when he's older, but as a comparison in my life.  I don't know if everyone in the world struggles with resentment or if it's just me, but I try my best to just avoid situations or feelings that I know will lead to resentment in my life, because, well, it just rubs me raw.  It leaves me irritated, frustrated, and all around grumpy; I end up much like Bubby when he gets held down for me to rub that poor excuse for an ointment on his little tail...I'm ready to fight for all I'm worth, even if I know I shouldn't.  However, try as I may, there are times when resentment creeps up on me, and I'm learning to read the signs. 
     Spring time should be a happy time, but it's one of the hardest times for me in struggling with resentment.  All around me, I see people exercising, dieting, tanning, and doing other self-help type things to prepare for....well, I don't know what they are preparing for, but I want in on it.  I want to get tan for vacation (which doesn't make much sense really).  I want to lose 15 pounds before that vacation (so I can eat like a pig and gain it back while on said vacay). I want to exercise (kinda).  I know I sound whiny.  (I literally laughed at myself as I typed the last sentence, because a spiritual blogger would have followed the statement up with a "but" phrase that justified the statement, but I've got nothing.)  I just want to be able to work on myself sometimes, but I find myself in this wonderfully blessed life that just doesn't allow for these little privileges anymore.  Every single Spring since having my first child, I have cycled through 1. low-self esteem, 2. anger, and then 3.  resentment.  Dean tries to help me with this issue, but Spring is a pretty big time for him too.  Spring is when his second full time job of farming really kicks back in, and making time for me to go hike the trail at the park just doesn't seem all that important to either of us many days.  That doesn't mean I always make the sacrifice with a joyful heart though.  Then, to make things even better, people say, "Oh, just get you a little exercise video to do at home."  Don't worry fellow mothers, no other female with three small children has been foolish enough to suggest this.  It's not that it's a bad idea, it's just an impossible one.  The only way I would be able to successfully complete an exercise video with my three kids present is if I locked them out of the room, and I'm pretty sure they'd destroy the room that they were gated into just to get back at me (not even taking into account that my five year old can climb any gate we own).  To be honest, I've had to let them completely destroy the living room just to type this blog, and I've had to stop eight different times to scold or rescue my little (ahem) angels.  Then, there's the commentary from my brutally honest five year old from the time I tried exercising with her when the duo was napping..."You don't look like that lady"... "You're belly jiggles"..We won't go further.  Anyway, back on track with resentment.  My ultimate question is, "How do I control this resentment"?
     I've been working on just that.  I can't pay another sitter to come in so that I can workout an hour a day. (Well, I technically could, but I don't feel right doing it right now.)  I can't change my lack of time for myself.  I can't make my daily routine include more "me time". However, I can try to control my resentment.  Now don't roll your eyes, because I hate those, "You can't control the situation, but you can control how you react to the situation" sayings just as much as you, but I honestly have to either succumb to the resentment or move past it.  I looked up some scriptures about resentment, and here's some of what I found:

“The godless in heart harbor resentment"(Job 36:13 )
 "Resentment kills a fool"(Job 5:2)
"And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful."(2 Timothy 2:24)

Well, you didn't expect it to be complimentary did you?  Ouch, though.  It did kind of hurt.  I knew resentment was bad for me, but to be called godless, a fool, and quarrelsome. YIKES!! That is what we English folk refer to as a Shrew in Literature, and my husband might not always disagree as far as it describing me.  So here's the thing ladies:  Being a mom is hard (so is being an adult..or a human for that matter!).  I don't have the awesome body and nice tan that I had but didn't appreciate when I was young.  I don't have time to put together a diet that I can go on but despise now that I'm so busy raising kids.  It's not all about me.  BUT THAT'S OKAY!  Now, I just have to get over that fact, and be happy with the time I do have for myself, the body I'm left with after it has done its child bearing duties.  I have to enjoy every bite of sinful chocolate I sneak from my kids' Easter baskets (finally, an easy one!).  I also have to fight off the devil's attempts at making me resentful.  Careful ladies, he's smart.  He'll stand right by you and whisper in your ear that your husband just doesn't appreciate all you do.  He'll make you look longingly at how tiny that lady is in the Wal-mart line (who, by the way, has never had twins).  He will show you on TV what a woman is "supposed to be".  Don't buy in to the resentment.  It's a lie.  It'll make you a quarrelsome, godless fool.  I don't know exactly what that looks like, but I can guarantee, it's not a happy picture.  Let's end with a prayer for the resentful among us:

"Dear Father, life is hard.  It's not fair.  As women, we sometimes get resentful of our jobs, our places in this society, and frankly, Lord, we get resentful of each other.  And wrongly so.  FORGIVE US WE BEG!  May we always remember who our King is.  In those weak moments when resenment comes creeping in, help us to cling to your promises God.  Help us remember how precious we are to You.  Help us remember how precious our dear little families are that we work so hard to protect.  God our love for You and them is so great, but so overwhelming that our weak human selves just can't handle it sometimes.  Help us to step back, breathe, and put it all in prospective.  We praise You, God, for all that You have given us.  Thank You for the unfairness, Thank You for difficulties, Thank You for peace that passes understanding. Thank You for hope in a hopeless world. We love You, we love You, we love You. Amen."