So I found myself in this situation a few weeks ago where I was driving down the road after literally running out of my work place (don't worry, I got my class covered), telling myself not to cry, get upset, or even show any sign of stress. I had somehow forgotten to get Princess picked up from school. Luckily, the sweet ladies at preschool were taking good care of her by having her just keep on going into the afternoon program like nothing was wrong. I was devastated. Princess seemed fine, but she asked several times that day why she had to stay late. This is when it is hard to be a working mom when you're shuffling everyone between so many people that something gets forgotten. My mom normally picks Princess up on that day, but she was on vacation and somehow I had forgotten. It's an honest mistake, but what if Princess hadn't been in a school that offers such a wonderful environment? To make things worse, it happened again the next week. Luckily, my father-in-law called to check, which prompted my babysitter to call SIL, who then went and got her. It worked out, but the fact still remains that I forgot to have it taken care of, which bothers me. I feel like I am absolutely doing the best I can with the juggling act I have in life, but there are still some major moments of failure, and I honestly don't know how to do any better than I am doing now. I go through times when I say I'm going to quit my job and stay home so that I don't have to worry about the hectic schedule I have, but then we'd have to give up private preschool, my health insurance, my retirement, and basically all unnecessary things in life...HMMM..nah! I could hire someone fulltime to keep my twins everyday and pay (at the very least) $600 every four weeks....*Cough* Not an option....I have a calendar that I fill out to help, but there are always little added things and changes that I just can't adjust for most weeks. It's a stressful, seemingly hopeless cause which makes me feel like a failure.
AND THEN I REMEMBER as a 9 year old girl getting left at the church by my parents who had driven separate cars, not once, but twice. I remember my dad's secretary having to come to the school 15 minutes after it ended to pick me up once. These aren't important memories, they are just things that happened. The schedule got hectic, an appointment ran late, I got lost in the shuffle. I didn't feel any less loved. I didn't feel distressed by the evidently hectic lifestyle my parents were leading. In fact, until just this moment, I assumed that my life now is more chaotic than my mother's was at my age. How selfish is that? I believe myself to be an exception in my chaos when in reality I am simply an average mother. Is it right? Does this make it okay? Has our society done this at harm to us? I don't know the answer to these questions. One thing I do know is that no matter what the situation, motherhood is hard. It is hectic, stressful, and sometimes frustrating, but man is it worth it!
I love being a mother. I am so proud of my children who are so special as little individuals. I look at them and constantly see all the good in the world. Maybe I do fail sometimes, but they all know at the end of the day that mommy loves them so much. For them, that's enough. So, I'll pick myself up, brush off the dust of guilt, lean on Jesus, and walk on forward in this journey...and all the while, I'll still be learning to love the chaos.
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