Mirror, Mirror

     I'm sure there is a moment in every mother's life when she looks at her child, or children, and feels as if she is looking directly into a mirror.  This has been happening to me a lot lately.  I can think of several different occasions within the past two weeks that I looked at each child individually and saw myself.  The problem with it is that I didn't see the good version of myself that I have pictured in my head.  I saw the uncontrolled, pushy, demanding, temperamental parts.  Geez.
    We'll start with Bubby, since he's the least like me.  He has this tendency to just plow over people to get what he wants.  He will literally run over his twin to get to me.  If I'm standing at the sink washing dishes and he wants me to pick him up, he forces his little body between my legs and the cabinets and pushes with all his weight against it to get me away from the sink.  I don't know where he learned to be so adamant about getting his way.  Oh wait...
     Then there is Tinker Belle, who is mostly expressionless.  She has recently learned a new look.  It's the "I'm gonna kill you" (but not literally) look.  If you say something she doesn't like or look at her a certain way, she lowers her little eyebrows at you.  I can't imagine where she saw such a mean look.  Well, maybe...
   Lastly, there is Princess, my mini-me in life.  She was nagging (ahem) me about wanting something for two straight hours before I lost my cool and ranted about how she had to stop nagging me, during which my voice cracked and I almost cried, which made her begin to cry because she can't handle it when I cry, and she yelled back at me in the same tone, with the same desperate expression that she just couldn't help it.  It was some twilight zone type stuff...THEN she developed an unexplainable fear of our bathrooms.  She doesn't want to be in there by herself, and it's not exactly easy to drop everything and take her all the time.  This fear started randomly because of a decorative crab made of brass that was my grandmothers.  I can't imagine why anyone would have such a bizarre fear..(*nervous chuckle*)  Wonder where that came from?  Perhaps it could be...

     I know that I have some good traits as a person.  I truly care about people, I'm tender-hearted, and I am loving.  Why is it then that I feel like the only traits I have given my children are bad ones?  My parents told me once before the twins were born that Princess was strong willed and that while she needs to learn control, that is a trait that will help make her successful in life.  I'm not sure it's very endearing in preschool, but I know they are right.  I also know that the trait came from me.  Dean is definitely strong-willed, but she got the agressiveness from her mother.  I sit here asking myself, "Why don't they mimic the good things?" "Do I not do anything that is positive in front of them?" "Do I subconsciously only see the bad traits I pass along to them?"  "Should I start saving up for bail in the future?" (just kidding)

This is one of those times that I'm just going to have to try to improve the personality traits I project and pray really hard.  Here's the best I can do in my current state:

"Dear God, you know I'm crazy.  You also know that I don't want to make my children that way by showing them only uncontrolled behavior traits.  Help me, God, to realize that I have three little people depending on me to stay close to You so they can learn how to act.  Make me better, Lord, as a person, mother, wife, teacher, and woman.  I will praise You forever. Amen."