Okay, so this is one of those posts I will have to get approved by Dean (if I remember to do so before hitting post). As I try to constantly point out, I love Dean so much it hurts. I think he is the most wonderful man in the world (at a tie with my dad and brother). He is everything I ever wanted: A hard worker, a family man, a wonderful husband, a man of God, the list could go on. We get along wonderfully and love each other deeply, but we are not perfect, and I don't ever want to set us up as being so. I promised honesty, so here it goes.
If having one child changes a marriage by complicating it, adding a set of twins to the mix put our world in a blender with no top on it and turned it on high. Sometimes I feel like we spend our lives running around, just scraping up the mess. I know I've mentioned several times that life too often feels like a game of survival, and I hope it doesn't make you feel discouraged, but it's a constant battle in my life. Another inner struggle, that I hate to even admit, is the inner struggle of resentment towards my husband. Don't think me a failure; it's a mutual thought we both have that neither of us wants to say. Often, in the heat of an argument, there is an unspoken phrase screaming out in our every thought: "I do more than you do!" This often also translates into, "I sleep less than you do and am therefore more tired than you!" It took a long time, several months after the twins were born (though the thought started when Princess was born and took a break once she got older), for one of us to say the actual words. Luckily, it wasn't said in anger during an argument. Rather, in a moment of frustration, I simply said, "We are both thinking are have done more and have more of a right to be tired and frustrated right now". Dean agreed, and finally, it was out in the open. We have never kept secrets. We promised early on not to do so, and not saying this thought, but knowing he knew that I felt that way seemed like I was not being up front with him. I couldn't handle it anymore no matter how afraid I was at voicing the thought. It was also scary that I knew he felt the same way but did not want to admit it out loud either.
Once it was all out in the open, we both felt better. Parenting is hard, and being outnumbered by our children means a great deal of work. We often have to divide and conquer in order just to get simple tasks done such as paying bills, helping a sick baby make it through the night, cooking dinner, or taking a shower without interruption (for crying out loud). Is this thought Godly? No, of course not. Is it loving and kind? No. Does it recognize the work that the other spouse is putting forth? Not one bit. Is it sometimes justified? Sure, on both parts. Is it a natural thought? You be the judge.
We both agreed to try our best to not think the "I do more than you do" thought. I'd like to say that this is something we have overcome, which is why I posted about it, but that isn't true. We are both hardworking people, and in our own ways need constant acknowledgment of that fact. When we are working for the same cause, however, this creates a problem. It's hard to praise someone for working harder than you when you think you are working as hard as you possibly can. It's hard to commend someone for giving up sleep when you're sure you gave up more. Lastly, it's hard to make someone feel like a more volatile part of the cause when you're certain things could not go on without you. Life with a spouse is not always simple, but it is always worth the work. The same goes for parenting. My life is so blessed, but that doesn't mean it's easy. Walking through Wal mart with my double stroller holding two beautiful babies with my gorgeous four year old next to us gets admiring looks from people of all ages, but it is not all glamor. I work hard. All of us as mothers do. At the same time, Dean works hard as well. While he often does things differently than me, the man way, he really does work just as hard, just in a different way. I know this is a truth, but sometimes I just want to be the one who has earned a break, the one who is given all the credit for being a superhero, but I also know that Dean sometimes just wants the same.
We both actively try to give one another a break now. Having the twins made our lives more complex, but it taught us how to truly work as a team, something I don't believe we ever knew before. This is my prayer for us, and for those of you who are in a situation that helps you relate to my situation: "God, help us to love the chaos and business of our lives. Help me to love my husband as I should and give him the credit he deserves. Help me to love my work as a mother. Help me to work hard without seeking praise for doing so. I praise you for my beautiful chaos. I thank You for my wonderful three babies who are lively, expressive, and have strong lungs. I love you for all You are that I am not. Help my fellow mothers who are working hard as well. Help their partner, if they have one, and if they don't, pour out a double blessing on their lives. I praise You for touching the lives of the ladies I love and with whom I share this bond of motherhood."
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