My six year old made a comment to me several months ago that went something like this: "Mommy, you play on your phone all the time." At that moment, I was actually responding to something important, so I pointed that out to her. A few weeks later, she said again, "Mommy, you are on your phone sending messages all the time." Each time she said it, I automatically felt and acted defensive. The problem? She was right. Don't you just hate it when that happens?
We live in a world that is very "social"...Well, maybe we should say we are very "connected"...No, that's not exactly right either. What are we then? I have over 1,000 "friends" on my Facebook, and this blog has been viewed a little over 9,500 times. Wow, I must have some social life, huh? NOPE!
Social media can be a great tool. It keeps me in touch with my family that lives 500 miles away, it helps me stay up to date on old friends from high school who I otherwise would have lost touch with completely, and it has helped me to "talk" more with people who were just acquaintances before. However, it doesn't help me to never feel lonely, and I surely don't feel more social. What does it do more often than help me stay connected? It disconnects me from those who are right in front of me.
In order for us to feel that we are "up" on what's going on in our news feed, we must constantly check in. That means, when I'm playing with my kids, I'm constantly scrolling my Facebook. When I'm visiting with a friend, I'm commenting on posts and pictures. When I go stay with my parents who live away from me, I'm seeing what is going on back in my hometown. I'm so connected to online people, that the flesh and blood in front of me is being ignored. It feeds a loneliness, because I leave these moments feeling unfulfilled. We take our phones into doctor's office waiting rooms to fill the time, thus ignoring those around us. We occupy ourselves on road trips, thus leaving the driver in his/her own silence. Why?
I asked myself why it is that we can't give those who are with us our presence. I don't want to just sit in the room with someone, I want their attention. I don't think that is too much to ask. I also don't think that is too much to give. It is safe to say that in my life and the lives of many of those close to me, time is as precious of a commodity as money. Time is dear to us, yet we waste what we have by ignoring our friends and family so that we can stay "connected". Shame on us.
This very post has been marinating in my mind for a while, and every time I thought about not writing it, something spoke to me about it in the form of a commercial, a Facebook post, or even an online video. I didn't know why, but last night as I was laying in bed, it finally hit me. God wants our presence too. Ouch. I spend so much time talking about and working for God, that I know He sometimes feels like that friend sitting across from me at lunch eating in silence while I scroll through my news feed. I'm going to be honest, as I prayed, I mostly had to apologize for giving my time, but not my presence. How hurt He must feel! How lonely my mind and soul felt after all that silence between us.
I am not saying that is anything wrong with social media. I love it. I use it. I don't see either of those things changing. However, let's learn to not cling to people who may or may not be sincere, who may or may not even be who they claim. Let's give those around us the best gift of all, OUR PRESENCE! It was not easy to set my phone down upstairs at my mother's house and go downstairs to sit with her. What if someone needed to get in touch with me? What if something important happened and I didn't know? What if someone needed prayer and I missed it? You know what? It was wonderful. No, I didn't get to post twenty pictures of all of us sitting around chatting, but I also didn't miss half of every conversation that occurred. They had my presence. AND THEY NOTICED!
As women, mothers, wives, friends, etc, let's give those around us our presence. Let's touch the lives of those who are right here with us. Let's be present in the lives of our children. Let's be present in our relationships with God. That is my challenge for all of us, here is my prayer:
God, we love You. We love our children, our husbands, our families, and our friends. Help us to give them all of us when we are in their presence. Help us to give You our best attention. Keep us from distractions, even those that are well intended, so that we can truly connect to those who are important in our lives. We praise and love You, amen.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Confidence vs. Entitlement
I think we can all see the bothersome trend in generations today of a sense of entitlement. It seems to have started with my generation, but as a teacher, I can see it progressing. It seems that among children, those who work the hardest in school and extracurricular activities tend to have the biggest sense of entitlement. I've heard students (and even their parents) say things like, "I'm a perfect student, can't you just overlook this one little thing?" or "I'm an athlete; I can't get in trouble." The insinuation is that a "good" kid should get a break from the rules, because he/she usually tries to follow them. As Christians, don't we also sometimes have this same sense of entitlement? "I
serve You, God, so I shouldn't have to deal with this issue." Or maybe, "I try so
hard, Lord, why can't something in my life just go right?" Maybe I'm
the only one guilty of this.
In response to the trend, there is a rather disturbing answer. I see parents all around me who do not want their children to grow up with a sense of entitlement, so they make sure to tell their children constantly that the world "owes them nothing" and "they have to work for everything they get in life" and"nothing is ever free or easy". These statements are true, but sometimes the ideas are taken too far. In addition, they tend to point out their children's flaws so that their children don't think that they are superior to anyone, and therefore deserving special treatment because of being better. They don't mean to tear them down, they just want to show them that others are just a special and deserving as them. Sadly, the lesson seems to eventually lead to a child who has no confidence at all. They seem browbeaten and humbled to the point of....I don't even know, shame, worthlessness, hopelessness? It's most sad to me because I know most of these parents mean well. They really do just want their children to know that they have to work for what they earn in life. They don't mean to tear down the confidence that they are supposed to be building.
I worry about these issues with my own children, and, after a particularly hard day with Princess, I felt myself struggling with these two opposites. She made comments that sounded very entitled, and without even knowing what I was doing, I began pointing out that God gives us things, not because we can possibly deserve them, but because He loves us in spite of our flaws. I saw her start to crumble emotionally and realized what I was doing. I immediately repented to God for failing to build up the fragile heart he had put under my care. As equally importantly, I apologized to my little Princess and reminded her that she was "fearfully and wonderfully made", and I took a more gentle route of explanation. At that moment, I began to ponder in my heart how a parent could walk the line between confidence, which we are in charge of building in our children, and the entitlement attitude that the world will try to get them to adopt.
Let's see what the Bible says about how we build our children:
Ephesians 6:4 ESV Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Proverbs 23:13 Do not withhold discipline from a child
Psalms 127:3-5 Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb, a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.
In response to the trend, there is a rather disturbing answer. I see parents all around me who do not want their children to grow up with a sense of entitlement, so they make sure to tell their children constantly that the world "owes them nothing" and "they have to work for everything they get in life" and"nothing is ever free or easy". These statements are true, but sometimes the ideas are taken too far. In addition, they tend to point out their children's flaws so that their children don't think that they are superior to anyone, and therefore deserving special treatment because of being better. They don't mean to tear them down, they just want to show them that others are just a special and deserving as them. Sadly, the lesson seems to eventually lead to a child who has no confidence at all. They seem browbeaten and humbled to the point of....I don't even know, shame, worthlessness, hopelessness? It's most sad to me because I know most of these parents mean well. They really do just want their children to know that they have to work for what they earn in life. They don't mean to tear down the confidence that they are supposed to be building.
I worry about these issues with my own children, and, after a particularly hard day with Princess, I felt myself struggling with these two opposites. She made comments that sounded very entitled, and without even knowing what I was doing, I began pointing out that God gives us things, not because we can possibly deserve them, but because He loves us in spite of our flaws. I saw her start to crumble emotionally and realized what I was doing. I immediately repented to God for failing to build up the fragile heart he had put under my care. As equally importantly, I apologized to my little Princess and reminded her that she was "fearfully and wonderfully made", and I took a more gentle route of explanation. At that moment, I began to ponder in my heart how a parent could walk the line between confidence, which we are in charge of building in our children, and the entitlement attitude that the world will try to get them to adopt.
Let's see what the Bible says about how we build our children:
Ephesians 6:4 ESV Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Proverbs 23:13 Do not withhold discipline from a child
Psalms 127:3-5 Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb, a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
a strong willed child against a crappy job
Picture this: You have put all of your dear children to sleep after a long, stressful day. You sit down on the couch to watch your show (the one chance you get a day to relax and be entertained). Just as your mind begins to check out for a while, you hear the padding of little feet down the hallway, and you believe that one of your little cherubs is coming for one last goodnight kiss. Sure enough, little Tank with his angel grin comes into the room. You notice he is holding his hands out and mumbling something. You see that there is something on his hands, and your mind goes to the worst case scenario...Yep, poop. There are lots of glamorous moments in parenting life, but there is NOTHING glamorous about potty training (even when the job is done). Why on earth would he poop and then proceed to try and take care of the problem himself? How on earth does the amount of poop that comes out of a toddler turn into so much when smeared on every surface in his room (can I get an amen)? How on earth do you get his clothes off and him in the tub without getting in on his face? (I resisted the urge to just cut it down the back) WHY? WHY? WHY? I say with no apologies that I HATE potty training. I have actually offered to pay my mother to do it for me. She refused. I understand why though, it's a crappy job, literally.
Okay, so it's been forever since I have posted, and mostly it's because I have been waiting to tell you about my successfully potty trained twins. Alas, I am still fighting the fight in this crappy job called potty training. With Princess, potty training was a breeze: we had a heart to heart explaining why she should use the potty, we talked about how big girls didn't wear diapers, and voila, she was well on her way. It wasn't flawless, but once we actually went through with it, she understood the point and tried her best. I always thought she was pretty strong willed, but she was also eager to please which helped the process. Enter Tinker Belle.
Here's the thing about Tinker Belle, she does NOT CARE if big girls use the potty, she does NOT CARE if going pee pee in her panties equals a puddle in the floor and icky legs. She does NOT want to use the potty. We, my friends, are at an impasse. Dean and I have no idea where to go from here. I have felt horribly about this for months. It's not that I thought potty training would be super easy with twins, but I simply feel like I can't reach them, and Tinker in particular. I can't get her to understand the importance of potty training. She simply won't take it seriously. Then I realized, "SHE'S TWO! Not much is important in her eyes right now. It's not the end of the world!" My kid won't use the potty. Big stinking deal. Why, then, do I feel like my kids should be fully potty trained at two and a half?...Well, here's my thinking. I have said before that I think every moment in life lends itself to a spiritual lesson. Here are a few lessons that I've recently picked up from my "crappy job" of potty training.
1. I'm prideful when it comes to my kids. --This is a sin I work on constantly in my life. I want them to look, act, and feel perfect at all times. Obviously, with a blog bearing this name, I do not feel that I ever reach that moment for long. The sin is still there, and once I realized early in motherhood that I was putting unneeded pressure on Princess in order to achieve perfection, I tried to stop the behavior and assess the cause. I have worked nonstop for the better part of five years to lay off a little when it comes to Princess. I had to realize that when Psalms says, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made", it means that our little personality quirks are part of that as well. Sometimes she doesn't want to match. Who cares? Sometimes she doesn't want to sing that cute song for people. Big deal. The twins have taught me so much about letting go and not "sweating the small stuff". Not enough, I suppose. I decided this week that my untrained twins are teaching me a little humility in a good way. I have always believed I can do the things I set my mind to; however, my heart needs to be in the right place. At this moment, I want to be able to say that my kids are all potty trained just out of vanity. Lord, forgive me. What a silly girl I am. One day, when they are grown and leaving home to start life on their own, I seriously doubt that they will hold it against me that I didn't have them potty trained by two and a half.
2. The mommy pressure.--My mother thinks that two years old is the perfect age for potty training. My brother and I were both trained at two, and she assures me that I was not an easy student in the school of potty use. I suppose I feel, as most girls do, that my mom knows everything about motherhood, and therefore, I should copy her model for everything. It's not working right now. I'm trying mom. I just can't seem to handle pee in my floor as gracefully as you must have. I cry sometimes when dealing with poop. Here's the thing, my mother was/is, in my opinion, the best version of mother in the world. She is most definitely a Proverbs 31 woman, and her children definitely rose up "and called her blessed".
3. I don't like failure.--Now some of you will think this is silly, but I'm betting lots of you mommies out there will understand this one. In my rational mind, I know that not having my kids potty trained yet even though I have tried to do so, does not equal failure. However, there is always that part of me that sees every delay as a failure. I know that one day the twins will be potty trained. However, a part of me feels that I evidently have not tried hard enough or they would be trained now. I have always been blessed with a great sense of self worth. Critics don't bother me much, because there are few people in this world I try to please. (My mother has always found this amusing and refreshing since I actually get along with most people in my life despite this fact.) On the flip side, I have always been really hard on myself. I don't really need anyone to point out flaws, because I can guarantee you, I have already noticed them. I finally realized this to be a spiritual problem when I was out of college and working. I needed a goal, an immediate goal, and for the first time in a long time, I didn't have one. I always relied on the fact that I was smart, motivated, and blessed. There are times in life, though, where a little dose of failure can be healthy. 2 Corinthians 12:9 tells us, 9“'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." Am I saying this applies to my weakness in potty training? Not necessarily, but I do think that there's a hint of something in it for me in this situation. It tells me that I don't have to be able to do everything. I don't have to be strong in every area. I don't have to be the perfect mother in my own strength, because I have a God who is a perfect parent and who will help me along the way.
I know that one day I will look back on this potty training moment in life and chuckle about it. I know that far more difficult situations are on their way. Therefore, I am choosing to be thankful that this is even an issue in my life, because that means I must be pretty blessed to be worried with it. I laughed the other day when my mom asked me how potty training was going. I said, "Well, the optimist in me wants to tell you that Tinker Belle used the potty once. The pessimist in me wants to tell you that she peed in the floor five times. You pick which one you listen too." That's how we are in life though, right? We try to look at the bright side, but the clouds roll right in. Here's my prayer for any mother who is in a moment where she is struggling to succeed. Maybe you too are trying to potty train. Maybe you're struggling to breastfeed. Maybe you are trying to get back your prodical child. Maybe you are getting ready to send your new graduate out into a scary world, and you just don't feel ready. Either way, let's lift each other up:
Dear God, thank You for being a God who cares about the small things. Thank You for seeing my details and concerning yourself with them. Help me to keep my perspective in life. Forgive me for my vanity. Forgive me for thinking myself so strong that I don't seek you in every moment of my life. Draw me towards You. If failing makes me better, then God, let me fail. You are the only success I need in life. Help my friends who are dealing with issues different and bigger than mine. Bless them, Lord, and touch their hearts. We praise You, we praise You, we praise You. Amen.
Okay, so it's been forever since I have posted, and mostly it's because I have been waiting to tell you about my successfully potty trained twins. Alas, I am still fighting the fight in this crappy job called potty training. With Princess, potty training was a breeze: we had a heart to heart explaining why she should use the potty, we talked about how big girls didn't wear diapers, and voila, she was well on her way. It wasn't flawless, but once we actually went through with it, she understood the point and tried her best. I always thought she was pretty strong willed, but she was also eager to please which helped the process. Enter Tinker Belle.
Here's the thing about Tinker Belle, she does NOT CARE if big girls use the potty, she does NOT CARE if going pee pee in her panties equals a puddle in the floor and icky legs. She does NOT want to use the potty. We, my friends, are at an impasse. Dean and I have no idea where to go from here. I have felt horribly about this for months. It's not that I thought potty training would be super easy with twins, but I simply feel like I can't reach them, and Tinker in particular. I can't get her to understand the importance of potty training. She simply won't take it seriously. Then I realized, "SHE'S TWO! Not much is important in her eyes right now. It's not the end of the world!" My kid won't use the potty. Big stinking deal. Why, then, do I feel like my kids should be fully potty trained at two and a half?...Well, here's my thinking. I have said before that I think every moment in life lends itself to a spiritual lesson. Here are a few lessons that I've recently picked up from my "crappy job" of potty training.
1. I'm prideful when it comes to my kids. --This is a sin I work on constantly in my life. I want them to look, act, and feel perfect at all times. Obviously, with a blog bearing this name, I do not feel that I ever reach that moment for long. The sin is still there, and once I realized early in motherhood that I was putting unneeded pressure on Princess in order to achieve perfection, I tried to stop the behavior and assess the cause. I have worked nonstop for the better part of five years to lay off a little when it comes to Princess. I had to realize that when Psalms says, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made", it means that our little personality quirks are part of that as well. Sometimes she doesn't want to match. Who cares? Sometimes she doesn't want to sing that cute song for people. Big deal. The twins have taught me so much about letting go and not "sweating the small stuff". Not enough, I suppose. I decided this week that my untrained twins are teaching me a little humility in a good way. I have always believed I can do the things I set my mind to; however, my heart needs to be in the right place. At this moment, I want to be able to say that my kids are all potty trained just out of vanity. Lord, forgive me. What a silly girl I am. One day, when they are grown and leaving home to start life on their own, I seriously doubt that they will hold it against me that I didn't have them potty trained by two and a half.
2. The mommy pressure.--My mother thinks that two years old is the perfect age for potty training. My brother and I were both trained at two, and she assures me that I was not an easy student in the school of potty use. I suppose I feel, as most girls do, that my mom knows everything about motherhood, and therefore, I should copy her model for everything. It's not working right now. I'm trying mom. I just can't seem to handle pee in my floor as gracefully as you must have. I cry sometimes when dealing with poop. Here's the thing, my mother was/is, in my opinion, the best version of mother in the world. She is most definitely a Proverbs 31 woman, and her children definitely rose up "and called her blessed".
3. I don't like failure.--Now some of you will think this is silly, but I'm betting lots of you mommies out there will understand this one. In my rational mind, I know that not having my kids potty trained yet even though I have tried to do so, does not equal failure. However, there is always that part of me that sees every delay as a failure. I know that one day the twins will be potty trained. However, a part of me feels that I evidently have not tried hard enough or they would be trained now. I have always been blessed with a great sense of self worth. Critics don't bother me much, because there are few people in this world I try to please. (My mother has always found this amusing and refreshing since I actually get along with most people in my life despite this fact.) On the flip side, I have always been really hard on myself. I don't really need anyone to point out flaws, because I can guarantee you, I have already noticed them. I finally realized this to be a spiritual problem when I was out of college and working. I needed a goal, an immediate goal, and for the first time in a long time, I didn't have one. I always relied on the fact that I was smart, motivated, and blessed. There are times in life, though, where a little dose of failure can be healthy. 2 Corinthians 12:9 tells us, 9“'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." Am I saying this applies to my weakness in potty training? Not necessarily, but I do think that there's a hint of something in it for me in this situation. It tells me that I don't have to be able to do everything. I don't have to be strong in every area. I don't have to be the perfect mother in my own strength, because I have a God who is a perfect parent and who will help me along the way.
I know that one day I will look back on this potty training moment in life and chuckle about it. I know that far more difficult situations are on their way. Therefore, I am choosing to be thankful that this is even an issue in my life, because that means I must be pretty blessed to be worried with it. I laughed the other day when my mom asked me how potty training was going. I said, "Well, the optimist in me wants to tell you that Tinker Belle used the potty once. The pessimist in me wants to tell you that she peed in the floor five times. You pick which one you listen too." That's how we are in life though, right? We try to look at the bright side, but the clouds roll right in. Here's my prayer for any mother who is in a moment where she is struggling to succeed. Maybe you too are trying to potty train. Maybe you're struggling to breastfeed. Maybe you are trying to get back your prodical child. Maybe you are getting ready to send your new graduate out into a scary world, and you just don't feel ready. Either way, let's lift each other up:
Dear God, thank You for being a God who cares about the small things. Thank You for seeing my details and concerning yourself with them. Help me to keep my perspective in life. Forgive me for my vanity. Forgive me for thinking myself so strong that I don't seek you in every moment of my life. Draw me towards You. If failing makes me better, then God, let me fail. You are the only success I need in life. Help my friends who are dealing with issues different and bigger than mine. Bless them, Lord, and touch their hearts. We praise You, we praise You, we praise You. Amen.
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