capere momentum

    My friend SFields read an article to me the other day written by a mother of young children about the old saying "Carpe Diem", seize the day.  The lady talks of how older women come up to her and tell her about how they enjoyed every moment of raising their children and how it goes by too fast.  SFields, Joy Mac, and I all talked about how we love the idea of seizing the day, every moment of our lives, but admitted that we could relate to the article.  In the end, the lady says that she instead has learned to appreciate those moments of God filled time in her life, such as when she looks at her child and actually sees her for the first time all day.  I have been thinking about this a great deal ever since, and I have decided to do something about my mindset. 
     My blog has the word "chaos" in it for a reason:  I feel that my life is constantly chaotic.  It's not that I dislike my life or that I just relish in the chaos that surrounds me.  Instead, I have just accepted that my life, as well as anyone's I assume, has a pretty heavy load of chaos.  The chaos only bothers me in the moment.  I can move beyond it when the chaos subsides.  For instance, sometimes I want to pull my hair out when all three of my kids are screaming for my attention, none of them wants me to hold another person besides them, I need to begin dinner (because they will need to eat eventually and will probably decide to do so suddenly), I am in urgent need of emptying my bladder, and the phone is ringing.  However, when I buckle my mind down, put my children somewhere where they are safe, pee (sometimes with an audience), begin dinner, and grab the phone to call back whomever it was I missed, I immediately feel better.  The chaos has passed.  Now, while these instances are often funny to account later, (I'm not putting the truly funny stuff in here because even I have a little shame) they are truly hard at the moment and I find myself at the end of the day saying, "At what point did I enjoy my children?"  My heart is sometimes broken.  I get so caught up the survival of the day that very few enjoyable moments can be remembered.  Those moments are there of course, and if I truly try, I can think of them, but still.  What is more upsetting to me is the idea that I am portraying life as something you simply survive to my children, particularly Princess who is old enough to be effected by my attitude.  I cry out to God to forgive me.  I do not want her or the twins to look back at their childhood and see only that we all survived it.  I love my family so much that it hurts.  I would die for them, I cherish them, I even like them!  Why then, does it sometimes feel like an entire day, week, or month, was just part of some survival training?  
     I've decided that what I must do is stop living like some crazy woman on a reality show about making it through life.  Granted, I can't will my children to be less demanding, needy, or even care for themselves in a way that is not possible for them at this age.  There will still be chaos.  What I hope to also provide though, is JOY.  Why can't the two reside together?  Who says that chaos has to keep us in a constant ulcered state?  Yes, our life together is crazy.  Shoot, mommy is a little crazy too, but who says we can't love life even when it is crazy?  I've already begun the process of reconditioning my beliefs that everytime my family steps out of the door we have to be magazine picture perfect in both looks and attitude, so I'm one step in the right direction.  Now, I have to begin to reflect the attitude of joy on to my children.  I have to show them with actions as well as words that life is an awesome gift from God, and we should be thankful for that gift. 
    So ladies, let's do this together.  Let's capere momentum (seize the moment)!  Let's look around when things are good and say, "Thank you God for happy children!"  or "Thank you God for healthy children!"  Let's look around when things are rough and say, "Thank you God for three kids with extraordinarily strong lungs!"  (Two of mine are testing my commitment as we speak!)  Or, "Thank you God for so many clothes to wash, because that means we are all well dressed!"  It's not going to be easy, but peace is in our hearts, not our surroundings.  Remember the scripture from a former post? I will "seek peace and pursue it." (Psalms 34:14)  I will seek it in my heart, not my car, living room, or even at the dinner table; it's surely NOT going to be there.   We can't relish in every moment of motherhood, or even life for that matter. However, we can appreciate the special moments, like when Tinker Belle looks at me so sweetly as she drifts off to sleep, or when Tank smiles his famous smile at me, or when Princess puckers her little lips up for a kiss and tells me I'm so cute.  I think I can seize those moments and hold them in my heart. 
     In my mind, it's kind of like when you take your kids to the photographer.  You leave thinking that in the mist of all of the crying, fussing, and chaos, there is no way the poor photographer got a decent picture.  However, when you get the proofs back, they are gorgeous.  Life is that way.  Even when it seems that there is no way your day had a redeemable moment, there are so many you can call to mind that it is truly awesome.  We are so blessed by a Father who cherishes his special moments with us!
     Here's my prayer for all of us wallowing in chaos but trying to appreciate life:  "Dear Father, thank you so much for giving us such full lives.  We know there are those out there who are lonely and would love to have a house full of children to love.  We know that while it's not always easy to be a mom, it is so blessed.  We know that as Your children, you want us to be happy and have joy.  We also know that life is hard, but You are great.  Help us to enjoy life.  Help us to hold tight to the sweet memories of our precious children and husbands.  Lord, while sometimes all we can hope to do is survive a moment in life, we sincerely want to enjoy life, not just survive. We praise You. Amen."