I love my children all equally. However, when I think of them individually, I can appreciate the things about each child that makes him/her different. Tank, my only boy, is definitely a different experience. My husband has been longing for a boy since we decided to have children, and I’m always amazed at the fact that there is no partiality towards him from my husband. He actually tends to coddle the girls more. Princess is his playmate, and Tinker Belle is so tiny that she receives a lot of attention from everyone. To me though, there is something so special about Tank that seems to be overlooked by the average person. One thing others do notice though is that he’s strong. As humans, we are naturally drawn to those who need our protection most. Tank, who was 19 pds at only 6 months, is obviously strong and has a big presence. He didn’t have the physical issues that Tinker Belle did/does, and honestly, at only 7 months, he looks like he could stand up and run across the floor. As his mother though, it’s so apparent to me that the advantage he has with size and strength is matched with a disadvantage in emotional immaturity. In short, he needs my love, hugs, and snuggles more than the girls. I actually haven’t been able to type his post because he has been sick, and therefore demanding; in fact, he’s working his way towards me now on the carpet.
I sometimes get frustrated that he demands so much attention when there are things that I really need to do. I mean, it’s not easy to cook spaghetti with a 20 pound baby on your hip, and typing an entire blog post with one hand is not all that efficient. However, there’s a reason that deep down I don’t mind. If I’m being honest, as I’ve promised to do, I know he’s only mine for a little while. Pretty soon, he will be idolizing my husband and chasing behind him wanting to do only “what daddy does”. I say this with no remorse or resentment. I actually want that. I think Tank has a wonderful father, and it will mean so much to Dean to have a little protégé. I am simply acknowledging the truth, and maybe trying to prepare myself for playing second fiddle so to speak. Dean has tried his best to train Princess to be a little farm girl, but her interest wanes. Sometimes she loves it, sometimes she doesn’t. She loves her daddy in a very special way, but there’s a connection, or understanding, or something that she and I share that can’t be duplicated. As much as we may fuss and disagree, she’s mine forever. I’ll never lose her or have to share her. Tank, however, looks at his daddy in a way that lets me know he feels just that way about Dean. He will want to be just like him, which, as far as I’m concerned, is that way it should be. I think a son’s immediately love for his father and his desire to please him is a beautiful metaphor for how we should be towards our heavenly Father. Tank is fortunate enough to have a daddy who loves God and will lead him in the path of righteousness.
Tank has the sweetest little personality. He is always smiling; sometimes he is smiling even when he is crying. It’s adorable. It’s as if he wants to be happy, even though he is devastated. I hope he never loses his sincerity of emotions. Whatever he feels, you know about. He is tough as nails. He can roll over and hit his head on the floor and not even flinch. With Princess around, this is a good trait. While she tends to be as gentle as she knows how, the fact that Tank isn’t much smaller than her makes her less worried about being careful around him. In addition, he has this wonderful ability to look at you when you pick him up and express to you that “YOU”RE MY FAVORITE PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD!! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!” Then, when you pass him to someone else, he looks at that person as if to say “YOU’RE MY FAVORITE PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!” Even though you know he portrays that same feeling to everyone, you don’t mind because you know he means it. Watch out ladies, he’s going to break some hearts!
Speaking of which, I also realize that when he gets married in the future, I will feel a greater since of loss than when my girls do so. I used to think it was ridiculous when people would quote that old saying, “A daughter is a daughter her whole life, but a son’s a son until he takes a wife.” I understand it a little better now. In truth, my girls will always be my girls, even when they are married with children of their own. Trust me, if ANYONE else made some of the suggestions to me that my own mother makes, I would be arrested for assault, but my mom can say it without even offending me (usually). Also, she’s someone who I still depend on hopelessly. My brother, however, does not. He has, however, maintained that relationship with my dad. He had to let some of the dependence he had on my mother go when he married. It’s natural and necessary for his marriage. I had to do the same with my dad. He could no longer be the solver of my problems or fixer of my car. I had to let Dean take care of me. In turn, Dean had to “leave his father and mother, and… cling to his wife” (Mark 10:7). I don’t look forward to this occurrence, but I don’t dread it like I expected either. Instead, I’ve chosen to relish in the love he has for me now and enjoy that out of all the females in his life, he loves me most. (He is currently proving this fact by standing in his exersaucer screaming for me at this very moment.) Granted, he’s not even one, so my dread may grow with his age. I often wonder if moms with only boys or dads with only girls feel this way, or if it is heightened by the luxury of comparison. It does help me understand my husband’s massive overprotection of his girls though.
Tank will probably always be my happy little good time guy. I’m hoping his sweet disposition has as much of an effect on the rest of the world as it has had on our family and friends. You just can’t look into his chubby little face without smiling back at him. It’s a true gift to bring joy to others so naturally. This is my prayer for Tank when I put him in the nursery at night:
“God, please bless my baby. Keep him safe and healthy. Make him strong in his faith in You. Help him grow up to be a strong man of God, no one knows better than you how much this world needs them. Help him to know that his relationship with You is the most important thing in his life. Help me to be the mother You would have me be to him. Help me to guide and train him in Your ways.”
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