Groundhog Day and Time's Winged Chariot

     As a working mom, I try very hard to appreciate every moment with my kids.  I'm extremely blessed to work in a job that contracts me for 10 months but spreads out my pay over 12 months.  Therefore, I have two months home with my kids in the summer.  You would think it would be easy to relish every moment of those two months, right?
     Here's my problem.  I'm an antsy person.  I don't like being at home all day every day.  I like my home, and I like spending time there, but I like being free to go places too.  When I had Princess, I didn't change my lifestyle too much in that area.  I loaded her up and took her wherever I wanted to go.  The twins, however, changed that.  Last summer (actually up to October) and this summer I have had to learn how to be happy just being at home with my three kiddos.  (Luckily, my husband stops in during breaks in his day to help break up the monotony for me.)  It's been a blessing, though.  It has made me a better wife, mother, and person in general.
     For the first time ever, I spent several weeks of this summer just getting my house back in order.  I have busied myself with homey type things and been pretty content.  It's an amazing thing really, because before now, I could only handle being at home (meaning not leaving the house at all) for a couple of days in a row before going stir crazy.  Dean never minded it, but I can tell he loves the new me even more than he thought possible.  He loves that I'm around for when he has a moment to stop by (he farms our land, so he's always pretty close by), he loves that the things of our family bring me sincere joy, he loves that the kids are around to go out with him when he is doing something that allows for a tag a long.  It's great, but there are those days...
     Some days I wake up and feel inexplicably restless.  I then do a mental count in my head of how many days it has been since I left the house.  It's never been more than a week since we go to church on Sundays, but it is sometimes quite a few days.  On those days I feel like Bill Murray in the movie Groundhog Day.  At those times, I have begun to feel (subconsciously) that every day is exactly like the day before with no changes, no variations but ones that make things more frustrating, and everything is stuck in repeat.  It's not that my everyday routine is a bad one, it's just that after a while, the small irritations become increasingly irritating.  It's on those days I call someone up and get out of the house.  We may go to lunch, out shopping, running errands, anything to make the day different.  These days are usually pretty stressful when you're dragging around twin 13 month olds and their 4 year old sister.  Even poor Princess can get stressed from the ordeal just trying to eat in a nice restaurant can become.  **As a side note, a lot of people have made the mistake of saying things like, "I take three kids out by myself all the time" to which I respond, "How many are not walking? Only one, huh? That must be nice to only have to carry one.  And how many aren't potty trained?  Again only one, Hmmm.  That does sound manageable.  Try packing a diaper bag for two, loading up a four year old, putting two babies in carseats, carrying two babies and your wallet (forget the diaper bag at this point) in the store while having the older one hang on to your pocket, putting the two smallest in the buggy (you know, the part they aren't supposed to be in), and then trying to actually buy something.  I'll probably get out more as well when my kids are more mobile. " ** Sorry for getting off subject, but you see where I'm coming from.  It's not easy to just get out and go, but it's worth giving up.  I have learned how to get through the groundhog days.  I just throw in some variation.  It is something I do tend to deal with though.  Ironically enough, I also deal with feelings that are completely opposite.
     On the days when I'm loving the routine of my life, I have this sense of urgency to appreciate every moment, because it will be over before I know it.  I am lucky to get two months of vacation in the summer, but two months passes so much more quickly than I could ever imagine.  I'm constantly thinking of the quote from Andrew Marvell that says, But at my back I always hear time's winged chariot hurrying near.  It feels like time is flying behind me, rushing me forward.  I literally feel like I have to enjoy life as quickly as possible so that I don't miss anything.  I think that is why I always stayed so busy before; I was trying to squeeze as much out of summer as I could.  It didn't work of course, but rather made summer feel shorter instead.  When I was thinking about this post, I almost named it "Groundhog Day and Dorothy's Hour Glass" instead because the image of Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz kept popping up in my head.  You know the scene when the witch has her in her castle and she turns over the hour glass and says she's going to kill her when it runs out, and Dorothy sits there staring at it frantically, biting her fingernails, and crying?  That's kind of how I feel at times too.  It's a strange juxtaposition of two completely opposite feelings.  I try not to let myself get depressed by the days ticking by, but I try not to feel stuck in the repetition those days offer either.  As is normal with me, I feel this to be a spiritual lesson.
     God has taught me that 1.  I need to just be still sometimes.  That doesn't mean I get to sit in the floor and play with my kids all day.  There is always plenty to do.  What I do mean by "still" is just being willing to live the simple part of my life.  The part where I'm Mommy and Wifey, not Mrs. 2.  I need to quit worrying about time passing by so quickly and just be in the moment.  You can't look beyond today in dread of it ending and actually enjoy any of it, so just stop and be in the moment, even if it's stressful or hectic. 3.  Don't do things to purposely make the time go by faster or make it feel longer.  Neither works.  In the end, even if every moment is miserable or exhilarating, it will be the past, and we will make of it what we want in our memories.  It's been a great summer, probably the best of my life and still I have little nuances, so I wanted to write this for those of you struggling to enjoy your life right now.  Here's my prayer for us all:
  "God, you are so awesome to give us life.  Sometimes we take the joy out of it by stressing over whether we are enjoying it to the fullest.  Please forgive us for doing so.  Show us how to enjoy life and appreciate it fully.  In the good times, we praise You for goodness.  In bad times, we praise You for Your perfect will.  Thank you for this life. We praise You, we praise You, we praise You."

Looking forward and checking the rearview...

     I'm a person who always looks to the future, the next thing, the IT factor of my life.  I know you already get that about me, but I have to keep it in check spiritually.  I just last week attended my 10 year high school reunion.  Now, it's a little awkward to talk about this on here because I know that several people who follow this blog, knew the "high school me" as well as the "now me", and honestly, I don't know (and may not want to know) how a lot of people viewed me in high school.  Now there were people who knew me well and knew my heart then as well as now, but I would have to say that number is pretty small.  I've changed so much in 10 years in some respects, and in other ways I'm exactly the same.  I assume most people feel that way from decade to decade.  Here's the hard truth...
     I met Dean late in my high school career, so he only knew a little bit of the high school me.  He jokes with me that I was a "mean girl" because he thinks of me as being preppy or snobby, a laughable idea now since there is not even a shred of pretense that I am at all sophisticated or "high class".  His accusation isn't necessarily true.  I wasn't really all that mean all the time, but I could be sometimes.  The sad part of that is that some people may have only interacted with me sometimes, and who knows if they saw the nice me, the mean me, or both.... It used to really bother me, that thought.  I told a few people off, made a few enemies, acted in a mean way.  I also took up for some people, made some friends, tried to show sincerity.  My biggest problem then was a spiritual one.  I was fighting in myself.  I had major issues with body image, self esteem, self worth, you name it.  It's hard to be a teenage girl (or boy) in any time period, and the late 90s-early 2000s were no exception.  Instead of keeping my focus on God always, my eyes wandered towards the enemy camps.  My biggest regret is that I doubt many people would think about me as a high school student and say, "Man, she pointed me to Jesus Christ!"  It makes me sad.  I was a hypocrite; I still am sometimes.  I have my spiritual demons...mostly linked to my mouth, which I fight constantly to control. 
     I guess I was hoping that tons of people would show up to the reunion and I could prove that I am not the person that I once was...But as I think about it now, I'm pretty sure none of us are.  Literally, it is impossible to think anyone from my graduating class could possibly be the same, and I sincerely thank God for how he has changed me.  It is so freeing to know that I don't have to be perfect, pretty, smart, skinny, or anything else that I thought I had to be then.  All He wants is someone willing, and it's okay that I'm a little crazy, it just adds character.  I've never been one to hold a grudge, so I can't relate to those movies where people go back to their high school reunions to show off for people they used to hate, love, or just look up to.  Honestly, that is one of my best traits, and it makes working with teenagers a lot easier for me than for those without this trait.  I can have a run in with someone today, but I'm willing to wipe the slate clean tomorrow. 
     I'm not one to dwell on the past; it makes me crazy when I do because I tend to only see flaws, faults, and short falling.  Maybe that is why I push so hard into the future.
     Ten years ago, I could never have imagined my life now.  I was talking with some friends at the reunion, and someone made the comment to a friend, "I can't believe you're a dad!" to which he replied, "Well, it kind of just happened."  (This particular friend is actually trying to adopt his son legally whom he has had since birth and who has some serious health issues, so please pray for him!)  So many of us could relate on some level to that comment.  For many of us, our little blessings (children or other types) came at a surprising time, in surprising circumstances, (ahem) in surprising numbers, and some of us just aren't there yet to see or receive those blessings.  We all had master plans for our lives, but I can't imagine anyone's "perfect plan" has been what we imagined.  My life is so much better than I had planned for, and I sincerely hope my former classmates can say the same.  I hope they are blessed beyond what they had dreamed years ago.
     My glance in the rearview of life has made me evaluate my goals for the future.  I constantly ask God, "What is next?  Show me where to go from here."  I have a great job.  I love to teach English.  However, my heart is wandering right now.  Pray for me sisters and brothers.  I feel His hand leading me, but I'm so impatient because I don't know to where I am headed.  It's scary to think I'll even hit publish on this one.  I will probably have to publish it before proofing too much lest I chicken out from bearing my heart so freely to the world.  If I could, I would spend my working time encouraging others, specifically ladies.  I have yet to figure out how to make that pay the bills though.  I just know one thing, I have to find what it is I can do for Christ that is more than I am doing now. 
     The only thing giving me the courage to say this to you is the thought that probably others feel as I do about some aspect of this post.  Surely there are other ladies out there who look to the future and wonder what it is that God will do with them next.  I love to hear God speak to me.  I crave it, yearn for it, need it.  I have always needed to be told I am loved by those around me.  in retrospect, it seems that the best lessons I learn from God are those that I must wait on in His silence.  He knows me well.  He knows that to get my attention and to hold me back from going too quickly in a direction without all the preparation I need, He must lead me one step at a time.  I'm going to be honest though, I'm weary, I'm tired from the silence, and I need to know that this spiritual journey I'm on is leading somewhere.  I'm so blessed.  I'm happy in every sense, but I know He has something that I can do for Him, and I want to do it.  I just don't know what "IT" is...

Maybe this time, you guys should write the prayer....

A blessed year.

     On June 29th, I woke up with an accomplished feeling.  I had survived the first year of my twins' lives.  I had this feeling of winning the game Survivor.  Don't get me wrong, if it had been Survivor, I'm almost certain every member of my family (immediate and extended) would have voted me off the island at some point.  However, since that was not an option, I made it!! Dean made it!  Princess made it! Tank and Tinker made it, too!! We all survived the chaos for a whole year.  It was rough year in some ways.  It's hard to change the dynamic of your family by adding to it, and adding more than one at a time, shew!  I had the blissful "we made it" thought, but then I was humbled by another thought.  We hadn't just survived, we manged to eventually thrive!  Tears come to my eyes at this thought, because all I managed to pray for was survival for those first few months.  Then, I started praying like a survivor for us to thrive.  I didn't just want us to make it through the day anymore, I wanted us to enjoy it.  I wanted us to have time to look at one another and really see the person we loved in front of us.  You know what?  We did.  By the grace of God, the five of us, especially Dean and I, learned how to truly enjoy our new lives.  We may wipe enough booties to make us poop experts sometimes, but we laugh, rejoice, and have fun.  It has truly been a blessed year, and there is so much I want to say about it that I'm not sure how this post will turn out.

     There are so many things I will no longer take for granted such as:  sleeping in the dark (rather than with a lamp on), sleeping at all, going out to eat easily, going out to eat for less that $30 ( I can't imagine what it will cost us in ten years!),  "running" out to the store without finding someone to watch my kids or loading three kids in the car, buying less than 4 gallons of milk a week, silence, time to talk to my husband without interruptions, expendable income, exercising alone, feeding only myself at meal time.  There are surely more, but nap time is going to be over soon, so I must press on.  These things may seem bazaar to you, but they are things I have learned to cherish.
     One thing that snuck up on me when the twins were about 6-7 months was the fact that our finances were much tighter.  I knew, of course, that having a baby is expensive so having two would be even more expensive, but I was still in survivor mode for so long that it kind of hit me all at once that things weren't as easy financially.  We keep an account for the big things (mortgages, insurance, etc) that I don't carry with me and one for groceries and conveniences (cell phone bills, tv satellite, etc.)  One is used as a way to save up for the big things that tend to be due semi annually or quarterly.  Why you may ask?  I spend too much money and that keeps me from doing so too badly.  (I say this with shame.)  We don't live lavishly, but I like going out to eat and I can shop just about anywhere (walmart, thrift store, dollar store, you name the store and they've got something I need.)  Anyway, when I had the twins, we took on tons of doctor bills and expenses that come with children, but I never changed my lifestyle to accommodate these new expenses.  So, I have now had to begin being a more proactive spender.  We still go out to eat, I just make sure I know how much money is in the bank so that I'm not transferring money later to buy milk.  It has been good for me to be honest, and I don't think I'll ever go back to swiping a debit card without thinking about the fact that I need to make sure there is enough money in the account to get me through the month.  Luckily, there was always extra in the other account, but it could have been bad.  I guess it's a good thing Dean tends to be....frugal. :)
     I'm so humbled by the changes Dean and I have made.  To be honest, with Princess, I didn't allow Dean to be the best father he was capable of being for a long time.  I repent to God for that so much.  I was so controlling and obsessed with her that I didn't let anyone really enjoy her like they should have, especially Dean since we often have shared time with our kids during the working months of the year.  With the twins, I had to learn to let go.  Dean is more natural with our children than I am, and since the birth of Princess that has been true.  I think back now that I have learned a few things, and I understand now why he thought I was so crazy when Princess was born.   (He didn't necessarily say it that way, but a woman knows...)  I look at him now with such admiration.  What other man would be able to handle a three year old and two newborn babies by himself while I slept, went to the store, or just escaped for a while?  He's amazing; he's more amazing than I give him credit for most of the time.

     I lay in bed the other night thinking about how far we've come.  A year ago, we went to bed with 8 bottles pre-filled with water and a container of formula.  We would sleep with a lamp on, two bassinets beside us, and our bottle prep station set up and waiting.  I don't know how much powdered formula I have spilled in the bed, but I can guarantee that if you want to torture someone, spread a little bit of that stuff on their sheets.  I have been so exhausted that I simply couldn't go any further, and my cup has been so full it overflowed with blessings and love.  I have been deep in the valley and high on the mountain, sometimes in the same day.  Children are amazing that way.  They make us feel emotions so fully, and they remind us of our relationship with God. 
     Here is how I have changed.  I went from being a woman who filled every summer day with something to do to a woman who can stay busy all day with no plans made.  I went from being a woman who knew God's grace to one who feels it every moment.  I went from being a woman who grocery shopped on the fly, to one who makes a list and sticks to it.  I went from being a woman who liked to spend money to being a woman who appreciates value.  I went from being a woman who was busy to being a woman who understands the importance of appreciating the childhood years of her children.  I went from being a woman who could clean her house in two hours to being a woman who couldn't clean it in a whole day, and that's okay.  I've become more of a homemaker, and you know what?  I don't hate it.  I'm an obsessive personality who needs to be planning, thinking, and doing.  So, I've simply had to change my focus from doing as much as possible to running a tighter ship at home.  I like making out a menu, and then a shopping list from the menu, and keeping us on a grocery budget. (I'm still new at this part.)  I like knowing what to cook on any certain day (especially since I am the one deciding ahead of time).  These things bring order to my chaos.  To be completely honest, I think I understand why life is so chaotic anyway.  It makes us turn to God and focus on the important things.  I don't know a single person (other than a few elderly ladies) who doesn't live a chaotic life.  Even those who have fewer responsibilities in life tend to describe it as chaotic.  Most of this we bring upon ourselves, of course.  You know what is humbling?  Those few elderly ladies I know who do not live chaotic lives would love to have that excitement back.  What we complain about, they long for.

     If nothing else came from the name of this blog, it has helped me so much.  I feel that I have truly learned to love the chaos.  I now know that loving my chaos doesn't mean I have to be thrilled during every moment of it; rather, it means that I can appreciate each moment as one that is effecting my life.  Tinker Belle pulled off her diaper the other day after her nap, which let the poop she had just deposited in it escape.  Did I love going in to find her completely naked and poop and pee everywhere?  Not necessarily; but you should have seen the sly little smile on her face, and honestly, we couldn't do anything but laugh.  (Dean took care of the mess by the way.)  Every moment isn't glamorous, but I'm learning that it's okay.  Sometimes it's the late night snuggle with a teething baby, or the smile Princess gives me when I bought her favorite fruit at the store that reminds me what life is about, our legacy.  If my children are my legacy, and my goal is to teach them to love Jesus and share His gospel, then my life gets a lot simpler, even in the midst of the chaos.  Princess rode in the buggy while I shopped last night and sang her own version of a praise song in the store.  She raised her little arm in the air and touched her heart with the other hand truly praising God to the extent she knows how.  I was so touched that I could have cried, and when I realized she was copying what I do, I almost lost it.  That is what it is all about, praising God, not just through singing, but with our lives.  Chaos keeps me close to God.  It makes me depend on Him fully.  It makes me focus, not just float through life.  It has been the biggest blessing in my life to have my three children, that which I expected, and that which I did not expect.
     Thank you, my sisters, for living this year with me on the blog.  At one point I thought that maybe I would stop writing the blog when the twins turned one, but I realize now that my chaos is far from over.  I don't know how much longer I will feel led to write, but maybe we'll all be little old ladies on here sharing stories about our grandchildren getting married and such.  All I know is that I still need you all, and if you're willing, I'm going to keep on.

Here's my prayer for this post:

"Dear Father, thank You so much for my first year as a mother of three.  Thank You for Dean, a man strong enough to handle a woman like me.  Thank You for Princess, my big girl, my helper.  Thank You for my precious babies.  Thank You for letting me watch them this year and all of the milestones that first year holds.  A year ago today, I couldn't imagine what they would look like at a year old, I couldn't imagine them crawling and walking, but I am so blessed to see these things come to pass.  Thank You for motherhood and friends to share it with.  Thank You for my sisters who read this blog and support me through triumphs and heartbreak, God, I need them so much in my life.  I pray that You will bless them with Holy chaos, and that they will draw to You in it and become stronger Christians and women because of it. We praise You, we praise You, we praise You.  Amen"