Looking forward and checking the rearview...

     I'm a person who always looks to the future, the next thing, the IT factor of my life.  I know you already get that about me, but I have to keep it in check spiritually.  I just last week attended my 10 year high school reunion.  Now, it's a little awkward to talk about this on here because I know that several people who follow this blog, knew the "high school me" as well as the "now me", and honestly, I don't know (and may not want to know) how a lot of people viewed me in high school.  Now there were people who knew me well and knew my heart then as well as now, but I would have to say that number is pretty small.  I've changed so much in 10 years in some respects, and in other ways I'm exactly the same.  I assume most people feel that way from decade to decade.  Here's the hard truth...
     I met Dean late in my high school career, so he only knew a little bit of the high school me.  He jokes with me that I was a "mean girl" because he thinks of me as being preppy or snobby, a laughable idea now since there is not even a shred of pretense that I am at all sophisticated or "high class".  His accusation isn't necessarily true.  I wasn't really all that mean all the time, but I could be sometimes.  The sad part of that is that some people may have only interacted with me sometimes, and who knows if they saw the nice me, the mean me, or both.... It used to really bother me, that thought.  I told a few people off, made a few enemies, acted in a mean way.  I also took up for some people, made some friends, tried to show sincerity.  My biggest problem then was a spiritual one.  I was fighting in myself.  I had major issues with body image, self esteem, self worth, you name it.  It's hard to be a teenage girl (or boy) in any time period, and the late 90s-early 2000s were no exception.  Instead of keeping my focus on God always, my eyes wandered towards the enemy camps.  My biggest regret is that I doubt many people would think about me as a high school student and say, "Man, she pointed me to Jesus Christ!"  It makes me sad.  I was a hypocrite; I still am sometimes.  I have my spiritual demons...mostly linked to my mouth, which I fight constantly to control. 
     I guess I was hoping that tons of people would show up to the reunion and I could prove that I am not the person that I once was...But as I think about it now, I'm pretty sure none of us are.  Literally, it is impossible to think anyone from my graduating class could possibly be the same, and I sincerely thank God for how he has changed me.  It is so freeing to know that I don't have to be perfect, pretty, smart, skinny, or anything else that I thought I had to be then.  All He wants is someone willing, and it's okay that I'm a little crazy, it just adds character.  I've never been one to hold a grudge, so I can't relate to those movies where people go back to their high school reunions to show off for people they used to hate, love, or just look up to.  Honestly, that is one of my best traits, and it makes working with teenagers a lot easier for me than for those without this trait.  I can have a run in with someone today, but I'm willing to wipe the slate clean tomorrow. 
     I'm not one to dwell on the past; it makes me crazy when I do because I tend to only see flaws, faults, and short falling.  Maybe that is why I push so hard into the future.
     Ten years ago, I could never have imagined my life now.  I was talking with some friends at the reunion, and someone made the comment to a friend, "I can't believe you're a dad!" to which he replied, "Well, it kind of just happened."  (This particular friend is actually trying to adopt his son legally whom he has had since birth and who has some serious health issues, so please pray for him!)  So many of us could relate on some level to that comment.  For many of us, our little blessings (children or other types) came at a surprising time, in surprising circumstances, (ahem) in surprising numbers, and some of us just aren't there yet to see or receive those blessings.  We all had master plans for our lives, but I can't imagine anyone's "perfect plan" has been what we imagined.  My life is so much better than I had planned for, and I sincerely hope my former classmates can say the same.  I hope they are blessed beyond what they had dreamed years ago.
     My glance in the rearview of life has made me evaluate my goals for the future.  I constantly ask God, "What is next?  Show me where to go from here."  I have a great job.  I love to teach English.  However, my heart is wandering right now.  Pray for me sisters and brothers.  I feel His hand leading me, but I'm so impatient because I don't know to where I am headed.  It's scary to think I'll even hit publish on this one.  I will probably have to publish it before proofing too much lest I chicken out from bearing my heart so freely to the world.  If I could, I would spend my working time encouraging others, specifically ladies.  I have yet to figure out how to make that pay the bills though.  I just know one thing, I have to find what it is I can do for Christ that is more than I am doing now. 
     The only thing giving me the courage to say this to you is the thought that probably others feel as I do about some aspect of this post.  Surely there are other ladies out there who look to the future and wonder what it is that God will do with them next.  I love to hear God speak to me.  I crave it, yearn for it, need it.  I have always needed to be told I am loved by those around me.  in retrospect, it seems that the best lessons I learn from God are those that I must wait on in His silence.  He knows me well.  He knows that to get my attention and to hold me back from going too quickly in a direction without all the preparation I need, He must lead me one step at a time.  I'm going to be honest though, I'm weary, I'm tired from the silence, and I need to know that this spiritual journey I'm on is leading somewhere.  I'm so blessed.  I'm happy in every sense, but I know He has something that I can do for Him, and I want to do it.  I just don't know what "IT" is...

Maybe this time, you guys should write the prayer....