A blessed year.

     On June 29th, I woke up with an accomplished feeling.  I had survived the first year of my twins' lives.  I had this feeling of winning the game Survivor.  Don't get me wrong, if it had been Survivor, I'm almost certain every member of my family (immediate and extended) would have voted me off the island at some point.  However, since that was not an option, I made it!! Dean made it!  Princess made it! Tank and Tinker made it, too!! We all survived the chaos for a whole year.  It was rough year in some ways.  It's hard to change the dynamic of your family by adding to it, and adding more than one at a time, shew!  I had the blissful "we made it" thought, but then I was humbled by another thought.  We hadn't just survived, we manged to eventually thrive!  Tears come to my eyes at this thought, because all I managed to pray for was survival for those first few months.  Then, I started praying like a survivor for us to thrive.  I didn't just want us to make it through the day anymore, I wanted us to enjoy it.  I wanted us to have time to look at one another and really see the person we loved in front of us.  You know what?  We did.  By the grace of God, the five of us, especially Dean and I, learned how to truly enjoy our new lives.  We may wipe enough booties to make us poop experts sometimes, but we laugh, rejoice, and have fun.  It has truly been a blessed year, and there is so much I want to say about it that I'm not sure how this post will turn out.

     There are so many things I will no longer take for granted such as:  sleeping in the dark (rather than with a lamp on), sleeping at all, going out to eat easily, going out to eat for less that $30 ( I can't imagine what it will cost us in ten years!),  "running" out to the store without finding someone to watch my kids or loading three kids in the car, buying less than 4 gallons of milk a week, silence, time to talk to my husband without interruptions, expendable income, exercising alone, feeding only myself at meal time.  There are surely more, but nap time is going to be over soon, so I must press on.  These things may seem bazaar to you, but they are things I have learned to cherish.
     One thing that snuck up on me when the twins were about 6-7 months was the fact that our finances were much tighter.  I knew, of course, that having a baby is expensive so having two would be even more expensive, but I was still in survivor mode for so long that it kind of hit me all at once that things weren't as easy financially.  We keep an account for the big things (mortgages, insurance, etc) that I don't carry with me and one for groceries and conveniences (cell phone bills, tv satellite, etc.)  One is used as a way to save up for the big things that tend to be due semi annually or quarterly.  Why you may ask?  I spend too much money and that keeps me from doing so too badly.  (I say this with shame.)  We don't live lavishly, but I like going out to eat and I can shop just about anywhere (walmart, thrift store, dollar store, you name the store and they've got something I need.)  Anyway, when I had the twins, we took on tons of doctor bills and expenses that come with children, but I never changed my lifestyle to accommodate these new expenses.  So, I have now had to begin being a more proactive spender.  We still go out to eat, I just make sure I know how much money is in the bank so that I'm not transferring money later to buy milk.  It has been good for me to be honest, and I don't think I'll ever go back to swiping a debit card without thinking about the fact that I need to make sure there is enough money in the account to get me through the month.  Luckily, there was always extra in the other account, but it could have been bad.  I guess it's a good thing Dean tends to be....frugal. :)
     I'm so humbled by the changes Dean and I have made.  To be honest, with Princess, I didn't allow Dean to be the best father he was capable of being for a long time.  I repent to God for that so much.  I was so controlling and obsessed with her that I didn't let anyone really enjoy her like they should have, especially Dean since we often have shared time with our kids during the working months of the year.  With the twins, I had to learn to let go.  Dean is more natural with our children than I am, and since the birth of Princess that has been true.  I think back now that I have learned a few things, and I understand now why he thought I was so crazy when Princess was born.   (He didn't necessarily say it that way, but a woman knows...)  I look at him now with such admiration.  What other man would be able to handle a three year old and two newborn babies by himself while I slept, went to the store, or just escaped for a while?  He's amazing; he's more amazing than I give him credit for most of the time.

     I lay in bed the other night thinking about how far we've come.  A year ago, we went to bed with 8 bottles pre-filled with water and a container of formula.  We would sleep with a lamp on, two bassinets beside us, and our bottle prep station set up and waiting.  I don't know how much powdered formula I have spilled in the bed, but I can guarantee that if you want to torture someone, spread a little bit of that stuff on their sheets.  I have been so exhausted that I simply couldn't go any further, and my cup has been so full it overflowed with blessings and love.  I have been deep in the valley and high on the mountain, sometimes in the same day.  Children are amazing that way.  They make us feel emotions so fully, and they remind us of our relationship with God. 
     Here is how I have changed.  I went from being a woman who filled every summer day with something to do to a woman who can stay busy all day with no plans made.  I went from being a woman who knew God's grace to one who feels it every moment.  I went from being a woman who grocery shopped on the fly, to one who makes a list and sticks to it.  I went from being a woman who liked to spend money to being a woman who appreciates value.  I went from being a woman who was busy to being a woman who understands the importance of appreciating the childhood years of her children.  I went from being a woman who could clean her house in two hours to being a woman who couldn't clean it in a whole day, and that's okay.  I've become more of a homemaker, and you know what?  I don't hate it.  I'm an obsessive personality who needs to be planning, thinking, and doing.  So, I've simply had to change my focus from doing as much as possible to running a tighter ship at home.  I like making out a menu, and then a shopping list from the menu, and keeping us on a grocery budget. (I'm still new at this part.)  I like knowing what to cook on any certain day (especially since I am the one deciding ahead of time).  These things bring order to my chaos.  To be completely honest, I think I understand why life is so chaotic anyway.  It makes us turn to God and focus on the important things.  I don't know a single person (other than a few elderly ladies) who doesn't live a chaotic life.  Even those who have fewer responsibilities in life tend to describe it as chaotic.  Most of this we bring upon ourselves, of course.  You know what is humbling?  Those few elderly ladies I know who do not live chaotic lives would love to have that excitement back.  What we complain about, they long for.

     If nothing else came from the name of this blog, it has helped me so much.  I feel that I have truly learned to love the chaos.  I now know that loving my chaos doesn't mean I have to be thrilled during every moment of it; rather, it means that I can appreciate each moment as one that is effecting my life.  Tinker Belle pulled off her diaper the other day after her nap, which let the poop she had just deposited in it escape.  Did I love going in to find her completely naked and poop and pee everywhere?  Not necessarily; but you should have seen the sly little smile on her face, and honestly, we couldn't do anything but laugh.  (Dean took care of the mess by the way.)  Every moment isn't glamorous, but I'm learning that it's okay.  Sometimes it's the late night snuggle with a teething baby, or the smile Princess gives me when I bought her favorite fruit at the store that reminds me what life is about, our legacy.  If my children are my legacy, and my goal is to teach them to love Jesus and share His gospel, then my life gets a lot simpler, even in the midst of the chaos.  Princess rode in the buggy while I shopped last night and sang her own version of a praise song in the store.  She raised her little arm in the air and touched her heart with the other hand truly praising God to the extent she knows how.  I was so touched that I could have cried, and when I realized she was copying what I do, I almost lost it.  That is what it is all about, praising God, not just through singing, but with our lives.  Chaos keeps me close to God.  It makes me depend on Him fully.  It makes me focus, not just float through life.  It has been the biggest blessing in my life to have my three children, that which I expected, and that which I did not expect.
     Thank you, my sisters, for living this year with me on the blog.  At one point I thought that maybe I would stop writing the blog when the twins turned one, but I realize now that my chaos is far from over.  I don't know how much longer I will feel led to write, but maybe we'll all be little old ladies on here sharing stories about our grandchildren getting married and such.  All I know is that I still need you all, and if you're willing, I'm going to keep on.

Here's my prayer for this post:

"Dear Father, thank You so much for my first year as a mother of three.  Thank You for Dean, a man strong enough to handle a woman like me.  Thank You for Princess, my big girl, my helper.  Thank You for my precious babies.  Thank You for letting me watch them this year and all of the milestones that first year holds.  A year ago today, I couldn't imagine what they would look like at a year old, I couldn't imagine them crawling and walking, but I am so blessed to see these things come to pass.  Thank You for motherhood and friends to share it with.  Thank You for my sisters who read this blog and support me through triumphs and heartbreak, God, I need them so much in my life.  I pray that You will bless them with Holy chaos, and that they will draw to You in it and become stronger Christians and women because of it. We praise You, we praise You, we praise You.  Amen"