A blessed year.

     On June 29th, I woke up with an accomplished feeling.  I had survived the first year of my twins' lives.  I had this feeling of winning the game Survivor.  Don't get me wrong, if it had been Survivor, I'm almost certain every member of my family (immediate and extended) would have voted me off the island at some point.  However, since that was not an option, I made it!! Dean made it!  Princess made it! Tank and Tinker made it, too!! We all survived the chaos for a whole year.  It was rough year in some ways.  It's hard to change the dynamic of your family by adding to it, and adding more than one at a time, shew!  I had the blissful "we made it" thought, but then I was humbled by another thought.  We hadn't just survived, we manged to eventually thrive!  Tears come to my eyes at this thought, because all I managed to pray for was survival for those first few months.  Then, I started praying like a survivor for us to thrive.  I didn't just want us to make it through the day anymore, I wanted us to enjoy it.  I wanted us to have time to look at one another and really see the person we loved in front of us.  You know what?  We did.  By the grace of God, the five of us, especially Dean and I, learned how to truly enjoy our new lives.  We may wipe enough booties to make us poop experts sometimes, but we laugh, rejoice, and have fun.  It has truly been a blessed year, and there is so much I want to say about it that I'm not sure how this post will turn out.

     There are so many things I will no longer take for granted such as:  sleeping in the dark (rather than with a lamp on), sleeping at all, going out to eat easily, going out to eat for less that $30 ( I can't imagine what it will cost us in ten years!),  "running" out to the store without finding someone to watch my kids or loading three kids in the car, buying less than 4 gallons of milk a week, silence, time to talk to my husband without interruptions, expendable income, exercising alone, feeding only myself at meal time.  There are surely more, but nap time is going to be over soon, so I must press on.  These things may seem bazaar to you, but they are things I have learned to cherish.
     One thing that snuck up on me when the twins were about 6-7 months was the fact that our finances were much tighter.  I knew, of course, that having a baby is expensive so having two would be even more expensive, but I was still in survivor mode for so long that it kind of hit me all at once that things weren't as easy financially.  We keep an account for the big things (mortgages, insurance, etc) that I don't carry with me and one for groceries and conveniences (cell phone bills, tv satellite, etc.)  One is used as a way to save up for the big things that tend to be due semi annually or quarterly.  Why you may ask?  I spend too much money and that keeps me from doing so too badly.  (I say this with shame.)  We don't live lavishly, but I like going out to eat and I can shop just about anywhere (walmart, thrift store, dollar store, you name the store and they've got something I need.)  Anyway, when I had the twins, we took on tons of doctor bills and expenses that come with children, but I never changed my lifestyle to accommodate these new expenses.  So, I have now had to begin being a more proactive spender.  We still go out to eat, I just make sure I know how much money is in the bank so that I'm not transferring money later to buy milk.  It has been good for me to be honest, and I don't think I'll ever go back to swiping a debit card without thinking about the fact that I need to make sure there is enough money in the account to get me through the month.  Luckily, there was always extra in the other account, but it could have been bad.  I guess it's a good thing Dean tends to be....frugal. :)
     I'm so humbled by the changes Dean and I have made.  To be honest, with Princess, I didn't allow Dean to be the best father he was capable of being for a long time.  I repent to God for that so much.  I was so controlling and obsessed with her that I didn't let anyone really enjoy her like they should have, especially Dean since we often have shared time with our kids during the working months of the year.  With the twins, I had to learn to let go.  Dean is more natural with our children than I am, and since the birth of Princess that has been true.  I think back now that I have learned a few things, and I understand now why he thought I was so crazy when Princess was born.   (He didn't necessarily say it that way, but a woman knows...)  I look at him now with such admiration.  What other man would be able to handle a three year old and two newborn babies by himself while I slept, went to the store, or just escaped for a while?  He's amazing; he's more amazing than I give him credit for most of the time.

     I lay in bed the other night thinking about how far we've come.  A year ago, we went to bed with 8 bottles pre-filled with water and a container of formula.  We would sleep with a lamp on, two bassinets beside us, and our bottle prep station set up and waiting.  I don't know how much powdered formula I have spilled in the bed, but I can guarantee that if you want to torture someone, spread a little bit of that stuff on their sheets.  I have been so exhausted that I simply couldn't go any further, and my cup has been so full it overflowed with blessings and love.  I have been deep in the valley and high on the mountain, sometimes in the same day.  Children are amazing that way.  They make us feel emotions so fully, and they remind us of our relationship with God. 
     Here is how I have changed.  I went from being a woman who filled every summer day with something to do to a woman who can stay busy all day with no plans made.  I went from being a woman who knew God's grace to one who feels it every moment.  I went from being a woman who grocery shopped on the fly, to one who makes a list and sticks to it.  I went from being a woman who liked to spend money to being a woman who appreciates value.  I went from being a woman who was busy to being a woman who understands the importance of appreciating the childhood years of her children.  I went from being a woman who could clean her house in two hours to being a woman who couldn't clean it in a whole day, and that's okay.  I've become more of a homemaker, and you know what?  I don't hate it.  I'm an obsessive personality who needs to be planning, thinking, and doing.  So, I've simply had to change my focus from doing as much as possible to running a tighter ship at home.  I like making out a menu, and then a shopping list from the menu, and keeping us on a grocery budget. (I'm still new at this part.)  I like knowing what to cook on any certain day (especially since I am the one deciding ahead of time).  These things bring order to my chaos.  To be completely honest, I think I understand why life is so chaotic anyway.  It makes us turn to God and focus on the important things.  I don't know a single person (other than a few elderly ladies) who doesn't live a chaotic life.  Even those who have fewer responsibilities in life tend to describe it as chaotic.  Most of this we bring upon ourselves, of course.  You know what is humbling?  Those few elderly ladies I know who do not live chaotic lives would love to have that excitement back.  What we complain about, they long for.

     If nothing else came from the name of this blog, it has helped me so much.  I feel that I have truly learned to love the chaos.  I now know that loving my chaos doesn't mean I have to be thrilled during every moment of it; rather, it means that I can appreciate each moment as one that is effecting my life.  Tinker Belle pulled off her diaper the other day after her nap, which let the poop she had just deposited in it escape.  Did I love going in to find her completely naked and poop and pee everywhere?  Not necessarily; but you should have seen the sly little smile on her face, and honestly, we couldn't do anything but laugh.  (Dean took care of the mess by the way.)  Every moment isn't glamorous, but I'm learning that it's okay.  Sometimes it's the late night snuggle with a teething baby, or the smile Princess gives me when I bought her favorite fruit at the store that reminds me what life is about, our legacy.  If my children are my legacy, and my goal is to teach them to love Jesus and share His gospel, then my life gets a lot simpler, even in the midst of the chaos.  Princess rode in the buggy while I shopped last night and sang her own version of a praise song in the store.  She raised her little arm in the air and touched her heart with the other hand truly praising God to the extent she knows how.  I was so touched that I could have cried, and when I realized she was copying what I do, I almost lost it.  That is what it is all about, praising God, not just through singing, but with our lives.  Chaos keeps me close to God.  It makes me depend on Him fully.  It makes me focus, not just float through life.  It has been the biggest blessing in my life to have my three children, that which I expected, and that which I did not expect.
     Thank you, my sisters, for living this year with me on the blog.  At one point I thought that maybe I would stop writing the blog when the twins turned one, but I realize now that my chaos is far from over.  I don't know how much longer I will feel led to write, but maybe we'll all be little old ladies on here sharing stories about our grandchildren getting married and such.  All I know is that I still need you all, and if you're willing, I'm going to keep on.

Here's my prayer for this post:

"Dear Father, thank You so much for my first year as a mother of three.  Thank You for Dean, a man strong enough to handle a woman like me.  Thank You for Princess, my big girl, my helper.  Thank You for my precious babies.  Thank You for letting me watch them this year and all of the milestones that first year holds.  A year ago today, I couldn't imagine what they would look like at a year old, I couldn't imagine them crawling and walking, but I am so blessed to see these things come to pass.  Thank You for motherhood and friends to share it with.  Thank You for my sisters who read this blog and support me through triumphs and heartbreak, God, I need them so much in my life.  I pray that You will bless them with Holy chaos, and that they will draw to You in it and become stronger Christians and women because of it. We praise You, we praise You, we praise You.  Amen"

Family Roots and the Virtuous Woman

     I have this dilemma when people ask me where I’m from.  I honestly don’t know what to tell them. This is not because I feel that I’m from nowhere, but because I feel I’m from two different places.  I have lived in the Appy Mountains so long, that people in the Swamps of Georgia would probably consider me as “being from” Virginia.  However, “holler rules” say that if you weren’t born here, you’re not “from here”.  It may sound harsh, but I kind of like the tightness of the groups.  I’m accepted by both, mostly.  I have some little mountain babies so that helps with the locals; however, my family always indoctrinates them with ideas of the “south” (aka deep south, dirty south, whichever you prefer) so that they know their southern(er) roots.  This lets me know that at least they think of me as being from there, or at least from them.  I don’t feel this to be a disadvantage in my life.  I love having two sets of roots, it makes me versatile (as long as I stay south of the Mason Dixon line anyway).  There is one thing that makes me very homesick for my birthplace, my family.  I miss my cousins, my aunts and uncles, fresh peaches, my mom’s pecan orchard with gorgeous old trees , and I miss my Nanny.  I so wish that I could be close to them sometimes, especially my Nanny.

     I don’t know about you, but there’s something about the women in my family, the matriarchs specifically, that just makes me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.  Where I come from, genetically speaking, the women are the heart of the family, the men are the head, and God is the soul.  Maybe you don’t like that kind of traditionalism, but I love it.  I find it comforting, natural, and (most importantly) biblical.  These are things that are important to me in a family unit. 

     Going to visit my Nanny, my only living grandparent, reminds me over again that the woman’s place in a family is so important.  She is in so many ways the hub of our family.  Living so far away from my relatives makes it pretty hard to be especially close to them, but with most of my family, there’s this awesome way that we can just pick up on conversation as if we spoke yesterday, not 6 months ago. There’s a connectedness I feel to them, which is something we all need in life.   If you don’t know this already, the Aldridge family is a pretty large one.  My Nanny has nine children, who all have between 2-4 children, who are in turn growing up and having children of their own (and a few of them are old enough to do the same).  There are more than 90 of us.  I was going to do the math, but it gets overwhelming, and honestly, I lose track even when writing it down.  At last count, two years ago, there were exactly 90, and I know of at least 5 that wouldn’t have been in that count, maybe more (I couldn’t say for sure).   It must be hard to be the hub of that many people.  She holds so much responsibility; you see, no matter how close we are to each other or even how often we visit Nanny, she’s just innately special to all of us.  She’s the warm and fuzzy feeling we get when we think of the word “family”. 

     In my mind, Nanny is beautiful, smart, and basically the perfect wife and mother.  Am I looking through some sort of smoky lens and perfecting her?  I don’t know, but I don’t care.  She’s special.  I live in fear of her old age and what it is doing to her (ie making her forgetful), and I live in fear of the day she may leave us.  I know everyone else feels that way too, and I’ve talked with some of my cousins about it, but it made us feel worse, so we dropped the subject.  In all of this, I’m so very much like a child.  I want to cry when I think of her forgetting things, because I want my Nanny to stay just how I imagine her, I want her to be around to see my kids grow up, I want to scoop her up and move her in with me so I can put her in a plastic bubble where she can’t fall and get hurt.  Being so far away probably feeds this fantasy since I do imagine her much more often than I actually see her.   In other ways, it makes me treat her almost like a child, trying to do things for her without her noticing when I’m around or practically forcing her to go out to dinner and pick the place.  I am such a practical person in so many respects, but going to see Nanny just makes me a little nostalgic (or maybe a lot). 

     I used to think of the Proverbs 31 woman as my bitter enemy.  I mean, who can live up to that kind of pressure?  You have to do ALL of that to be considered a virtuous woman for crying out loud??  Then, I went to a conference break out session about being a good hostess.  The speaker pointed out that the Proverbs 31 woman did all of these things throughout her lifetime, not all at once.  It became clear to me then that being the virtuous woman was a journey, not a daily goal.  Why it didn’t occur to me (and many other women) that this woman couldn’t have been a stay at home mom AND a working mom all at the same time, I’ll never know.  It is probably because we get caught up in the hugeness of that list that we don’t think about the amount of time it would take to become the master of so many traits.  I guess that’s why I idolize my Nanny; I see her towards the end of that journey, and I want to be that.  However, my yearning for such will make me focus on the end of the journey, not the blessing of travelling it. 

     I feel this way about my mother too.  I have seen her on her virtuous journey much more than I did my Nanny, but it doesn’t make it any less impressive.  I then compare my place on the virtuous journey timeline to my mother’s and then my Nanny’s, and I am in awe of the beauty of the female role in a God centered family.  The heart, the place where emotions are, the place where comfort and acceptance are found, the place where hurt goes away, the place where Daddy can be held up(even though he’s big and strong).  Isn’t womanhood a wonderful gift? 

     There are times when I think washing one more dish or changing one more poopy diaper is going to make me scream, but what a privilege to be the heart of my little family.  I can already see in the eyes of my children and nephews that my mom “Nana” is to them what Nanny is to me, the Virtuous woman.

    On the long ride home from visiting my family in southern Georgia, I was thinking of how hard it is to leave once I get down there.  In the movie, Sweet Home Alabama, Reece Witherspoon’s character says, “My life in New York works… But then I come down here... and this fits too”.  I can relate to that idea completely.  I know my visits only consist of hanging around my Nanny’s house and not venturing out into the real world she lives in, but I really do feel connected to that place.  I wonder more and more if I would have that feeling if she wasn’t there.  I don’t know, but I don’t ever want to find out.  Then I realized that an idea that probably fits me better is found in To Kill A Mockingbird.  Scout is talking to Dill about running away and says, “I wonder why Boo Radley never ran away” to which he answers, “Maybe he doesn’t have anywhere to run to.”   That’s the catcher for me. That is why I think of Georgia in such a sentimental way.   I always have somewhere to run away to, somewhere where the world I’ve built can’t find me, somewhere where people love me just because I was born, somewhere where I can cry and complain, somewhere where they’ll give me sweet tea and hug me when we greet and when we part, and somewhere where I don’t have to have my hair perfect (which is good because that is an impossible task in that humidity).  Georgia is where I can run away to, or maybe it’s Nanny’s house.  My child thinks those two ideas are the same, as do my nephews.  Georgia=Nanny’s and Nanny’s=Georgia.  Maybe they are right.  I know that no matter what I’d go visit my other relatives, but Nanny is part of my heart, the part that keeps me walking down that virtuous woman path.  My biscuits will probably always taste like crap, and my dumplings are microscopically thicker than Nanny’s, which ruins the whole batch, and when it comes to stains, my child bypasses me to get my mother’s help, and she is always going to be better at throwing a get together than me, but I’m sure in the future, I’ll have traits that my kids and grandkids want too.  Nanny’s better at me than basically everything, as is my mother (which Princess tends to point out), but one day, I’ll have to be the heart of a downline of descendants myself, and what a blessing.

     There’s a saying out there that you “can’t have roots and wings”, but I don’t look at it that way.  I don’t feel like a little bird that has been groomed to fly away.  Instead, I feel more like a tree that began as a seed that fell into the ground.  As I get older, my roots grow even deeper while my branches reach higher and form their own forks.  I can be grounded in the background of the virtuous women before me, which helps me as I become the heart of a family myself.   Maybe one day, I’ll be home to many people.  I hope my example points them to Christ as those ladies who came before me have for their children and grandchildren. 

Here’s my prayer to all of us ladies who are or will become the heart of a family one day:

“Dear Father, thank You so much for giving me the responsibility of being the heart of this family.  Help me to always remember that You are the most important member.  Help me to remember how important the role of the men who lead the family is as well.  God, walk with me down this virtuous woman path, please help me to be strong in my journey.  I want to give You the glory for my family’s success, and I want to ask forgiveness where I’ve failed You in my efforts.  Be with my sisters who are struggling with their place in the family unit.  I lift them to You, God, because being the heart is so wonderful, but God it can be so hard.  I lift up those ladies who don’t have the great examples that I do.  Please show them what a virtuous woman should be.  We praise you for the good and bad, God, and we acknowledge that Your will is perfect.  We love You, we love You, we love You.  Amen.”

For your viewing pleasure, I've added some pictures from our trip...

Twin A- Tinker Belle to the rescue..

     I often wonder if my twins have some sort of special connection.  It seems some times that they have a very special bond, but at other times they seem to feel the other twin a nuisance.  It worries me more than it should, but I gained a little perspective the other night.  Tank suffers from pretty bad allergies, and had been having some trouble with them a few weeks ago.  We were treating him as the doctors had directed, but it didn't seem to help much.  He was grumpy at bedtime, but he went to sleep pretty easily.
     We separated the twins a while back in hopes that they would no longer wake each other in the night and maybe start sleeping a little better.  It sort of worked.  Therefore, the girls are in a room together, and Tank is on his own.
     At about 5 am, Tinker Belle began going absolutely crazy.  She was screaming in a way that was very different and very alarming.  I jumped up from the bed, and said something to Dean to wake him up.  As I entered the hallway, I heard Tank struggling to breathe, so I darted off to the side as Dean continued into the girls' room.  I picked him up, and began the routine for treating nighttime croup.  Steamy shower, walk outside, head over boiling pot, breathing treatment, repeat.  It sounds crazy, but it works.  He learned to be pros at it with Princess.  Not five minutes into the routine, Dean comes and begins helping me.  I asked him what had been wrong with Tinker Belle.  He said nothing.  When he went in her room, she was crying, but when I went down the hall with Tank, she stopped.  He gave her sippy cup to her and came to help me.
     I could have cried.  I realized that she could hear her brother and knew something was wrong.  When help didn't arrive, she called out for it because he couldn't.  As I'm writing, tears are streaming down my face at this amazing little show of heroism.  I went back in to the girls' room while Dean walked Tank around outside, and looked in on her, sucking away at her little cup with her eyes wide open.  I know it sounds crazy, but she looked worried.  I rubbed her little peach fuzz head and assured her that Bubby was just fine.  She was quiet when I left the room, but she didn't sleep much more that night.
     I guess this proves to me that my babies do in fact have a strong bond, and even though they may fight over every single toy in the house, they love each other deeply. Another thing it taught me is that even though she is a tiny little thing, representing the 1th percentile, she can still be a hero, she can still be strong, and she can still look out for others.  She isn't weak, she isn't at a disadvantage (well, maybe when they fist fight), and she isn't too little to help.  She is "fearfully and wonderfully made" for a special and important purpose.
     I started thinking about this as a spiritual lesson.  Tinker knew her brother needed help, so she cried out for help for him when he couldn't.  She interceded so to speak.  How often do we see a brother or sister in Christ who is in need of help and either can't/or won't call out for help?  How often to we cry out to our Father for them?  The thought breaks my heart.  My prayer for us today, is that we will recognize when others around us are in need of help, and we will be willing to cry out in the darkness of the night for help to come to them, even if they are too weak, stubborn, or lost to cry out on their own.

     Ever since she was tiny, Dean and I would hold Tinker up like she was flying and say, "Tinker Bellllllllle, to the rescue!"  She always loved it, and she would smile ear to ear when we did it.  I guess now she has earned her little hero award.

Ringmaster Part II

     I know I promised it wouldn't be very long before I posted again, but you know how life gets out of control sometimes.  Sissy's wedding was wonderful, and tiring.  I think I learned now more than ever that she, Adod, and I are all three just Greeks in training. (I don't know if I've mentioned this, but Sissy and I refer to our mom's as "the Greeks", which we got from the moms and aunts off of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding".  We loved those bossy loud ladies so much without knowing why until one day we got lost in a nearby city with our mothers in the backseat.  It all became very clear.)  In truth, we are more like the Greeks than we realize, and we are ever getting closer to being the same.  We are all just lively, energetic, opinionated women.  No wonder there were almost a few fist fights and maybe a couple of tantrums during the weekend.  It was wonderful.
     Sissy was one of the most beautiful brides I have ever seen, and I 'm not exaggerating.  There was a beauty radiating from her that is God given.  Things fell together perfectly thanks in large part to Godmother (her mommy).  Lots of people helped out; so many family and friends were there from out of town as well as those who live here, so there was always a lot going on.  Sissy held it together pretty well.  There were very few times that we saw a crack in her composure, and even then, probably only those of us who know her best would have seen it.  She never speaks harshly to people, and there were a few times she got a little snippy and demanding.  I think any bride has that right.  If ever there were a stressful week in the life of a woman, that is one.  Anyway, she was absolutely gorgeous, the ceremony was perfect, and Taylor will be a wonderful husband to her.  He was one of the most precious grooms I have ever seen during a ceremony, and it is obvious that he is deeply in love.

     As for Princess, she was a beautiful little flower girl.  She was already tired by the time pictures started and the day broke heat records, so that made things a little difficult in the life of a four year old.  She was not the easiest she had ever been to deal with, but she was the most beautiful cowboy boot clad flower girl I had ever laid eyes on.  It's amazing to me how as a parent we can look at our child one day and love them even more deeply.  She did her job well coming down the aisle, but couldn't last on stage through the 45 minute ceremony.  She went and sat with my Godparents aka Memaw and Pepaw.  How she almost fell asleep in that heat is amazing to me.  She had fun at the reception, of course, and only requested ice cream as her prize for doing well.  (Yes, at one point I was willing to bribe her.)

     Dean, my personal hero once again, dealt with our real life while I was in a wedding wonderland last week.  He shuffled his two work schedules around quite a bit.  He kept them, dressed them, and kept them quiet at the wedding.  He and his dad (his parents also attended, because they know the family, and well, it's a small town and we're all freakishly close) took the twins out of the covered outdoor area and let them play in the grass.  My mom went to my house for a few hours earlier in the day to help him out some, so that he wouldn't be too far behind on the farm.  It was a wild few days.  Just to give you a feel for it, here's our schedule for part of that week:
Wednesday night--Dean and I held our weekly small group and then went to my Godmother's to see Adod and her husband before the chaos hit.
Thursday - I worked all day, Dean worked half a day and then left due to us not having a sitter, I went home to relieve Dean so he could get some work done, an hour later, a different sitter came, I left to go to a bridesmaid's dinner with Sissy, Dean came in about 3 hours later to relieve the sitter, I was with Sissy and the other girls until about 1 am, while Dean got everyone fed and in bed.
Friday-- Dean went to work, I got up at 6:30 (the kids must have forgotten I was up late), cleaned the house, took all three children on an hour long jewelry delivery run, then I went back to town and met my parents for breakfast, dropped Tinker Belle off with my mother in law, took Princess and Tank with me to a PreK evaluation for Princess (30 minutes in the opposite direction), came back from there, took those two with me to the store to pick up some necessities (ie toilet paper), picked up Tinker Belle, a plant hanger, and some jars that were borrowed from a neighbor for the wedding, and headed over to Godmother's where I'm not even sure what help I was other than offering my cute babies to snuggle my godmother who was bearing the heaviest burden of stress at that point.  I then went back home, put the twins down for a nap, got myself ready (and Princess) for the rehearsal, was rescued by AThack from way back who babysat for me because Dean had to be part of the graduation for his high school students and couldn't go with me and wrestle the kiddos.  My mom left the rehearsal, went back to my house and picked up the twins when it was over and then took them to the rehearsal dinner for me.  After the dinner was over, I took them all home, put them to bed and as soon as Dean got home, we collapsed in bed.
Saturday-- I got up at our regular time (6:45), made breakfast, straightened up, and Adod and Sissy picked me up at 9 am.  Dean stayed with all three kids for a few hours, mom came and let him finish up some farm work, then he went back and took care of them and got them ready for the wedding.  Sissy, Adod, and I were all at the beauty shop for the next several hours, then we picked up Princess and went to Godmother's to get our make up done and get ready, then we went to have pictures done at the wedding site, then went back to Godmother's for a freshen up moment, then went back for the actual wedding, then did a few more pictures, then off to the reception.  After the reception, Dean and I were together once again and took our little brood home to roost.  We sat up for a while with Princess, and then called it a night. 

Then we were up again at 6:45 the next morning getting ready for church.

     It's amazing how busy life can be.  These events were all wonderful, but man was I exhausted when it was over, and I'm sure there were a ton of other people who felt the same way.  Before I had children, a weekend like that would have been supplemented with sleeping late and naps and such, but those are just things of the past now.  It's a blessing, still, because Bubby (Tank) loves his early morning snuggles with mommy, and Tinker Belle is so happy when she first wakes up that you can't be mad at her for waking you early with her little "uh ohhs" that she sings from her crib.  This week is another busy one.  Babysitting issues continue, Princess has a dance recital coming up which requires more practices than I personally feel necessary for a four year old, and Premier is having a busy week in my life.  Those are all on top of our regular schedule.  But you know what?  I'm looking straight in the face of summer and thanking God that I have a job that allows me so much time with my children.  I'm reminded why I chose a job that doesn't pay all that much or receive a whole lot of recognition these last weeks when students come by to give me a card or a hand made gift (which doesn't happen too often in a high school), and I know that I'll be on baby time this time next week.  Life is busy, but it is still blessed.  I might have been crying yesterday about what I'm going to do for a sitter the rest of the week (which I still haven't figured out completely right now), but I know I'm lucky for the situation I have.  Sometimes we have to remind ourselves of the truth rather than worrying with the little things.

Here's my prayer to all you other busy mamas and women:
"Thank You, God, for a full life.  Thank You for people around me who are in exciting stages of their lives.  Thank You for the blessing of children to complicate my schedule.  God, I know there are those out there who would love to have so many people around them and so many things to do, and I praise You even when it seems like too much.  Thank You for my parents, in laws, and friends who love me and my children enough to disrupt their own lives to help me accomplish my duties and goals.  Thank You for a husband who is a full time father, Thank You for friends like AThack who will give up a Friday evening to watch my babies, thank You for my mom who will put off her own duties to help my husband with our children, thank You for parents-in-law who will work their schedules around ours when we need them to, thank You for my Godsisters who make me feel like a true sister.  God, I thank You for so many things, and I am humbled because I know I don't deserve them. Thank You for stress, for without it, my life would be empty. I love and praise you."

Just call me Ringmaster...(part 1)

     May is always an especially busy time for my family.  Since Dean and I are both teachers (high school), there are additional events we attend (i.e. 2 proms, 2 graduations, etc.). In addition, we are both teachers of subjects that have state tests.  Therefore, we stay pretty stressed.  On top of that, Dean's work on the farm doubles, and hay season hits then too, so he needs to work longer hours to get hay "up" (cut, fluffed, racked, and bailed) as quickly as he can.  It stinks; not the hay part alone, the combination of everything.  This year has been a particular struggle since I have started my Premier business, AND...... SISSY'S GETTING MARRIED (WOOHOO)!!!! Just this morning, I equated organizing my family for the next two weeks to being the conductor of a symphony, but honestly, I think it's more like being the ringmaster of a three ring circus.  I can handle the ordinary struggles listed above, sort of, but to add chaos to chaos, the twins have begun to add their own craziness to our "down time",  and Princess isn't helping much either. 

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, in this ring.....

     Bubba, aka Tank, is wanting very badly to walk.  He's not there yet, but what he lacks in walking ability, he makes up for with his climbing skills.  HE CLIMBS EVERYTHING!!!!!!!  Therefore, I have dubbed him my high wire act.  He is fearless.  Anything he can get a leg up on, he can climb.  He may fall, but he can climb it.  This is a new problem for me.  Princess didn't climb.  Granted, every moment of my life was devoted to making sure she didn't get hurt, so maybe it was more me than her.  At this point in my life, it is impossible to watch every child every second, and trust me, he's fast.  Therefore, he has thus far conquered the Dora table, kitchen chairs, the fireplace ledge, the walker (he didn't make it in the the correct manner), and I'm honestly not sure what else.  He may also be an alligator wrestler, since he tends to beat up his sisters without even knowing it.  He's unusually strong for his age, which he proves by laying back and flinging his chunky little bull legs together when throwing a fit.  He could take down any ol' gator he wanted.  In this circus, he'll play both roles.

AND IN THIS RING.....

     Tinker Belle is my contortionist.  Just you try to get her in her car seat when she doesn't want to be.  She somehow bows herself out so that you loosen the straps to get her in, then she shrinks herself down and can pull her arms through, so you have to tighten it right back up.  (I always win this fight, but she sure is clever.)  She can squeeze into tight, tiny places.  I know because she usually can't get back out.  How she gets between the couch and the wall is beyond me.  You'd think that wherever her shoulders could fit, she could get back out of, but no.  She also will weave herself through a variety of larger play toys, and then get stuck.  She may also be the escape artist.  I have yet to find a high chair that can contain her.  She is so tiny, that we have the straps as tight as they can go, but if she can get one little foot up and under her, she's as good as out.  She hasn't fallen out yet, but before I could get Princess's dinner plate fixed, she was standing up, looking proud.  I feel like these traits will serve her well in our little family circus.

AND FINALLY....

     Princess will more than likely become the owner of the entire circus since she can manipulate better than most adults, but for right now, she's my lion tamer.  She spends a great deal of time trying to train the twins to do what she wants of them.  If she really wants them to be in another room, she'll carry drag them there.  We scold her constantly, but I think she does it without thinking.  She will try to take their hands or grab them from behind around their chest (just under the armpit) and let them walk, but Tinker Belle isn't all that concerned with walking and usually just lifts up her legs and smiles as Princess carries her through the house.  She's naturally bossy, so I think these are the best jobs for her.

     Dean and I are usually the dual Ringmasters, or maybe we're the clowns.  I'm not really sure.  Together, we are all a freak show.  Dean and I try our best to keep everyone organized, happy, and healthy.  That alone is a big job.  Throw in life, and it's almost impossible.  I've actually been gone for a while due to a sickness that swept through the children in our house robbing us all of sleep.  Although I wasn't sure at times, we made it.  The circus survived one show and has moved on to another.  Let's see what the next crowd thinks.

~Stay tuned for more about farming, jewelry, and Sissy's wedding.  I promise it'll be posted soon.~

Here's my prayer for all you other ringmasters out there:

     "God, today what I want is to not only survive, but to thrive.  I want joy to be the tone of my family.  I want to be a good mother and wife.  I want to feel fulfilled by You.  I want to feel peace even when the storm is raging.  Help me to be organized.  Help my children to be happy.  Help us to love You better. Help me to ENJOY this life You've blessed me with.  Amen."

Peace--and Green eggs and Ham

I'll admit upfront that I shamelessly stole this idea from my good friend SFields.  She is such a talented writer (you can read her blog by clicking on it on the side of this page--ethanfgodschild), and recently she posted about unfairness to the rhyme of "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie".  It was beautiful and moving.  I was sitting at the table today worrying over the fact that Princess (4) doesn't eat anything while sharing my supper with the twins (10 months) who had already eaten their own dinner but decided they wanted mine too.  They've been into EVERYTHING lately, doing things like pulling everything out of a cabinet, climbing on our Dora table, you name it.  Anyway, I was wallowing in my reoccurring self pity of "wanting peace".  At the same time, I was lamenting the fact that my four year old turned her nose up at the healthy dinner I worked hard (amidst screaming babies) to fix her.  Then, it hit me.  I all too often turn my nose up at the peace God offers, even though I know it is good for me.  I was reminded of the Dr. Seuss rhyme "Green Eggs and Ham".  So, while I'm definitely no poet and I lost the flow here and there, here's the Rea version of "Green Eggs and Ham" rightly named "Peace" since that is what God graciously offers me even when I constantly refuse it.  Now is a good time to mention that my nickname is pronounced "Ray" though spelled differently, since it would mess up the rhyme if you pronounce it otherwise.


"PEACE"
 

Good morning my dear little Rea,

I’ve brought some peace for you today

Oh no, dear Lord, I’ll be just fine.

I’m much too busy racing time.

For I’m late you see, to teach my pupils,

But maybe later after I pay the bills.

...

Good lunchtime to my precious Rea,

I still have peace for you today.

Oh no, dear Lord, I’m in a rush.

It’s so loud here; I need some hush.

So instead of taking peace from You,

I think I’ll whine to a friend or two.

...

 

Good afternoon my sweet girl Rea,

I’ve kept some peace for you today.

So sorry Lord, but I’m feeling hazy,

And it’s time for me to go see my babies.

They’ve missed me, You see, while I’ve be gone,

But maybe I’ll try some tonight at home.

...

 

Good dinner to my little girl Rea,

There’s still some time for peace today.

Oh, I could not try it now dear God!

There are dishes waiting to be washed,

And then there’s laundry in a pile,

And those bills I mentioned have waited erewhile,

But before that, three baths and then my own,

And my favorite TV show comes on,

And then of course to you I’ll pray

(I’m already thinking of Holy things to say.)

You see my Savior, there’s just too much

I’d love some peace, but my time’s a crunch,

And while I’m at it, I’ll need to have read,

And cleaned the toilet before going to bed,

And then I’ll lay down my weary head,

And I’ll call to you and ask for…..peace.

...

 

Good night to you my princess Rea,

I hope you’ll take this peace I’ve saved.

OKAY, OKAY, I’ll try it out,

But if it doesn’t work, I’m sure to pout.

What do you think my sweet child Rea,

Do you like the peace I gave?

Oh, yes Dear Lord! I love it dear!

I did not know you were so near

Following me from place to place

Offering peace in my crazy race.

It seems strange now, those things stressing me

Are nothing at all, yet they made me scream.

I never want to lose this peace,

For my hurting soul has begun to ease.

Thank You, God, forgive me I pray

For avoiding the peace You offer each day.

Now don’t you see my silly Rea,

I’ll give you peace brand new each day.

Just trust me with those little things,

And see what strength my true peace brings.

Hold tight to it and I’ll see you through

And that peace I give will exude from you

And you’ll show it to the world around

And they’ll ask about this peace you’ve found.

Then, my dear, you lead them to me,

And I’ll give them peace that sets them free.

And one day in heaven you’ll all be found

With peace untold all around

Then, my dear, My plan you’ll see,

Just take this peace that sets you free.

One more iron in the fire?

     I have never been more busy in life than I am now.  I struggle so much to just enjoy certain parts of my day.  I find myself throwing down a shirt mid-folding to pick up one of my kids and kiss their little faces just to pick up the shirt and start over.  Oh well, I think.  I'll be happier that I did it than I would be if I hadn't.  I think as mothers we can all agree that there are never too many kisses or cuddles.  I can't always neglect my housework, but you wouldn't know it to look around my house sometimes.  Still, through the chaos, I have yearned for a ministry.  My husband and I host and teach a small group for youth, but I have wanted a ministry of my own.  I love supporting Dean's passion for Christ, but I felt that God wanted more from me than to just clean up the house, cook a little dinner, and be the " youth mom" to our group.  He gave me my own gifts to use, and I was hiding behind all of the things I was doing already rather then trying to fulfill His purpose in my life.  I believe we travel through phases in life and along the way God shows us how to use that time in our lives to serve Him best.  If we aren't careful, we may pass through a phase without serving Him specifically.  What a tragedy.  I can already look back in my life and see times I've missed using the gifts I had at the time to serve Him best.  I didn't want that regret again just because I was "busy raising my children". 
     Since the twins were born (and I suppose even when I was pregnant with them) I have been drawn to women's ministries.  What I feel led to do, which I'm hoping won't surprise you much, is encourage other women.  I want to encourage ladies of all ages, from the high school to the nursing home, but most specifically I want to encourage young(ish) women and mothers of young children.  I think it's only natural that I'm drawn to women in my own bracket of life.  I floundered around a while, and honestly, you ladies helped me.  I began this blog searching for a ministry.  I actually had hoped that the blog could be my ministry, and while I believe God has used it, I think it has mostly ministered to me.  Eventually, I found what God has been leading me to, and of course, it was something I had been running from for quite a while because it just seems so crazy.
     A friend of mine sells jewelry.  I have hosted shows for her and attended more shows than I can count.  Now, I like jewelry (specifically diamonds), but I have never really worn tons of it, not this kind of jewelry especially.  (It's called "high fashion" jewelry.)  When I thought of this jewelry, (perhaps you've heard of Premier Jewelry) I thought of beautiful middle-aged (my mom is going to kill me for that part) ladies who wear wonderfully put-together outfits with matchy-matchy jewelry.  I, in contrast, am a throw together a (relatively) cute outfit, make sure I have on my wedding rings (I live in a small town), and pray I don't have baby puke on me anywhere type of gal.  I did like the jewelry though, and I have purchased a bit of it over the years.  The jewelry lady, KS-blingbling we'll call her, always talks about the company and how wonderful it is.  Now maybe I wasn't listening closely because I was distracted by the shiny things around me, or maybe I just didn't care, but one day I actually paid a little attention to what I think of as the "you should do this too" speech.  It turns out that Premier was founded by Andy and Joan Horner when they retired because they wanted to become missionaries.  When they realized that God was not leading them to the mission field in a foreign country (which is what they wanted), they began listening to what God wanted them to do.  I could SO relate!  Long story short, their gift was in business, so they began a business that would support missions.  I loved this idea.  Even more, they pay their jewelers as much as possible in order to support single mothers, stay at home mothers, those who simply need more income, those in the education system, and those in full time ministry.  No one is sitting back and getting rich off of the profits, rather, the profits go to a wide variety of ministries around the world.  (Everyone should look into this company just to know there are some truly righteous people out there with the goal of serving God with their talents in business.)  
     After hearing this, I briefly thought about becoming a Premier jeweler.  It lasted about 5 seconds before my right mind kicked in.  I was pregnant with twins for crying out loud.  I didn't have the energy to brush my teeth half the time, much less take on another job.  It nagged at me a little though.  I am not a good sales person, and I hate to ever feel like I'm begging someone for something, even purchasing a product.  Therefore, this Premier thing was not for me.  Still..... I went to another party, almost went for it, and then backed out.  After a year of thinking about it a little here and there, I talked to KS-blingbling about going for it, and I began praying HARD.  All I wanted, I told God, was a little doubt so that I wouldn't have to invest time, money, and effort into this "jewelry thing", much less try to talk to my husband (who does NOT understand the importance of jewelry) that I felt like God was leading me to sell jewelry.  Even typing the statement feels crazy to me.  Why on earth would God ever "lead someone to sell jewelry"?!?  Bibles, maybe.  Religious fiction, you're pushing it.  Jewelry, uh..no.  Anyway, it wouldn't leave me alone.  It was like a bad version of that song "The cat came back the very next day".  The idea followed me to work, home, the shower, and worse of all, bed where it would take up all the room and not let me rest (well, the idea and my three kids were working together on the no rest part).  I would lay there thinking, "God, what I really want is to be the next Beth Moore."  Granted, I didn't wanted to have to write a book or devotional, and I didn't really know how to branch out, and I basically cry the whole time I try to teach the Bible...But God has used unlikely people before, right?  So, I wanted to be a Christian motivational speaker.  There ya go God.  Just wave that cosmic wand and give me the ministry that my vanity, I mean the Holy Spirit, has led me to... Isn't it amazing that God doesn't strike us down sometimes?  There I sat, fighting.  I wanted to work with pregnant teens, I wanted to work with mothers of small children, I wanted to encourage and inspire, and for some reason God wasn't making it happen no matter how hard I cried and prayed.  Hhhmmm.  Maybe it was because the sentence above had too many "I's" in it.  All of those ministries are wonderful, but I wanted to do them because they make me feel good.  What God wanted was to take me out of my comfort zone, put me somewhere that is unlikely to bring glory to Him, and then show His glory to those around me.  Okay, God, I submit.  I will invest time that I don't think I have, money that I know I don't have, and talent that I'm not so sure about either in what You have chosen.  I will sacrifice and invest in Your plan for me.  As soon as I submitted, I felt better.  Honestly, I felt so much better after just going with it that I didn't even care if it made money.  I mean, it's not like anything I had chosen for myself was going to send me loads of cash, right?  I was hoping to make back my investment (just because I didn't want Dean to suffer with me if I didn't), but even then, it was honestly a small price to pay to get the nagging off my conscience.  In it, all I heard was, "where's your faith Rea?  Would I ask you to do something that would harm you, or harm you without purpose?  You told Me I was most important to you Rea, so why aren't you living that way?  You told me that you loved Me more than you loved your husband or children, but you are using them as an excuse."  It was awful, but it was true.  It's so easy to hide behind my family.  I love them so much, but I love God more.  He is my savior and creator.  He is the only reason I know how to love at all, yet I'm going to put something (even an important something) in front of His will?  How dare I! 
     So here I am.  I'm a licensed jeweler for Premier Designs Company, with the goal of showing love, encouragement, and glorifying God by going into the homes of any woman who will let me in and enriching her life, if even for an hour.  Wish me luck...Better yet, pray for me.  I'm going to need it.  Here's my prayer for myself as well as my prayer for any other woman looking for her ministry or fighting the ministry God has given her:
   "Oh, Lord, thank You so much for knowing what's best for me and keeping a firm hand on my desires.  Thank You for not letting me convince you of what ministry is right for me.  I praise You for taking me out of my comfort zone, even while it is still painful and awkward.  Touch the hearts of my dear friends who are looking for their own special way to serve You, and help them to listen better than I have.  Please put Your hand on their shoulders as comfort.  Help us to glorify You in all we do, whether it is what we expect or not.  We praise You for how You've used us so far and how You will use us in the future."

Let's remember to encourage one another to actively serve God in the way He leads us.  I love you guys!